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I saw my life in HIS eyes. Of all the people I've encountered, I've only ever seen my future in the eyes of one. I'd never admit it to HIM and if pressed, I'd actively deny it. But there has only been HIM.
HIM waiting for me to walk up the aisle. HIM walking me back down. HIM gleefully announcing "our" pregnancy. HIM gripping my hand, whispering encouragement and little jokes, as our children are born. HIM cooking meals, cleaning house, disciplining children... and all with me. HE was my partner and my complement. It was with HIM I saw myself becoming an empty-nester and discovering wrinkles and gray hairs. With HIM my home would be filled with love and warmth; I'd feel safe. HIS eyes told me we'd sit in rocking chairs, just remembering. That we'd experience grandchildren. HIS eyes told me my future would be all I'd dreamed and so much more. Seeing all that warmed my heart, quickened my pulse, sweetened my voice and lifted my soul. I knew without a doubt, regardless of all else, that my future lay with HIM.
But then HE blinked. And I saw nothing at all.

Thoughts for Today

"Loneliness doesn't tell you what you lost, only that something was missing." -Unknown

"Above all, believe in true love and know that men are like shoes. A couple is like a left and a right foot, and out there is your perfect fit. Sometimes you need to change styles and shop around to find it. Sometimes you have to break styles in, sometimes you feel like something is unstylish but comfortable, and sometimes a style - as much as you like it - just doesn't suit you and will never fit."
- Camilla Morton, author how to walk in high heels: A GIRL'S GUIDE TO EVERYTHING


I came across these quotes today, hours apart, but they were so poignant, touched me so sincerely, and went so well together that I had to share them.

There is a lot of talk about singledom vs relationships, especially now that the holiday season has rolled around. I know there have been times when I've felt lonely, despite being surrounded by people. As a matter of fact, I rarely feel truly lonely when I'm alone. But when those lonely moments come, I can never figure out what or who, exactly, I'm missing. Now, that's not to say I only get lonely in terms of men. Sometimes I'm friend-lonesome or family-lonesome. I don't live close enough to any of them to see them on a regular basis, so time with them is always a special occasion.

Sometimes loneliness can make you lose hope and faith. In all relationships that are physical, personal, and spiritual. It's easy to fall into that trap, too. Trust me; I know.

The real reason loneliness hurts is because it's so personal. You can't imagine anyones else feeling the way you feel in that moment. How can they? But despite the strength of these feelings, it's important to remember that we are never alone. I know it's hard to believe and harder to remember.

Just remember that though your friends may not be close, your family may be away, and your love has yet to make an appearance, there is always Someone who wants to hear from you. He's always there, waiting for the opportunity to show you how much He loves you. Don't forget about Him. He'll never forget about you.

Wasted Wish

A twilight memory, on a cool night.

A shooting star, in an unlit sky.

Whispered words, breezing warmly into my ear.

The warmth, the gentle firmness, the inexplicable moment.

Closed my eyes, held my breath, prayed my prayer. And wished.

I wish I’d wished for one more day. One more kiss. Or one more hug.

Perhaps a wish for eternal joy or everlasting peace; for the patience that I still need to build. For the fortitude to withstand what was to come.

Maybe I ought to have wished for tomorrow to never come. And forever to be real.

Instead I wished for perfection. Now I have nothing.

First Love

I've finally decided on what I need to do. Correction: I've finally acted on what I've always known I needed to do. I'm going back to my First Love.

I won't claim to be an innocent woman. I've done things I shouldn't have done, some I'm less than proud of. I've been places I should have avoided, entered dangerous situations willingly, taken what wasn't mine, entertained the wrong company, given away what wasn't mine to give, and engaged in activities that are less than honorable. And in doing those things I've turned my face and pulled my love away from the One who has always been there. I've wasted time on those less deserving, pouring myself into pseudo-relationships with individuals who were unwilling or unable to reciprocate. And I'd sit, crushed and confused, wondering how things could have turned out so wrong.

But how can you experience something healthy and new if you carry unresolved issues with you? How can you love and be loved if you really don't understand the concept? How can you build a positive relationship if you bear negativity? Simply put, you can't.

So to resolve and answer all these questions (and more) I have to go back to my First Love. He's never left my side, never stopped being available to me when I needed Him, never berated me for doing and being what I ought not. He's comforted me, encouraged and forgiven me, uplifted me, and most importantly, He's loved me. He begged me quietly but consistently to come back. And I've decided to heed His call.

Now that I'm working on a graduate degree and working steadily, I find myself being constantly bombarded with questions concerning when I'll get married and start having children. Mind, I don't even have a boyfriend. I find that, despite wanting one, I'm not ready for a relationship. Many disagree, some being those closest to me who know me best.

But I've come to an agreement with my First Love and seeing as how He's never left me or lead me astray, I've decided to trust that He'll let me know when the guy chatting me up or catching my eye is the one that will come second only to Him. I don't have to search for or worry about it because what's to be mine is already mine, it simply hasn't arrived yet.

My First Love and I are working things out. We aren't where we need to be because I'm not where I should be. But I trust it will happen and, for me, that's good enough.