Hoped

I had hoped the day we’d prayed against would come.

I’d hoped that forever saw an end, and we’d stand before it, smiling sad smiles that said “just a while” but meant “never again.”

I had hoped your face would go dull in my mind’s eye.

I’d hoped my memory would stumble and I might forget altogether.

I had hoped that you would fade into that place where sweet memories go, only to bubble up when times are murky and hard. When I need my spirit lifted by past joys because I can’t see any in the future.

I’d hoped you were replaceable.

Just another voice. Another smile. Another laugh. Another hug.

I had hoped all these things in the depth of my heart, where I knew happiness would not last.

And while I hoped, I dared to dream against myself. What kind of fool am I?