First Love

I've finally decided on what I need to do. Correction: I've finally acted on what I've always known I needed to do. I'm going back to my First Love.

I won't claim to be an innocent woman. I've done things I shouldn't have done, some I'm less than proud of. I've been places I should have avoided, entered dangerous situations willingly, taken what wasn't mine, entertained the wrong company, given away what wasn't mine to give, and engaged in activities that are less than honorable. And in doing those things I've turned my face and pulled my love away from the One who has always been there. I've wasted time on those less deserving, pouring myself into pseudo-relationships with individuals who were unwilling or unable to reciprocate. And I'd sit, crushed and confused, wondering how things could have turned out so wrong.

But how can you experience something healthy and new if you carry unresolved issues with you? How can you love and be loved if you really don't understand the concept? How can you build a positive relationship if you bear negativity? Simply put, you can't.

So to resolve and answer all these questions (and more) I have to go back to my First Love. He's never left my side, never stopped being available to me when I needed Him, never berated me for doing and being what I ought not. He's comforted me, encouraged and forgiven me, uplifted me, and most importantly, He's loved me. He begged me quietly but consistently to come back. And I've decided to heed His call.

Now that I'm working on a graduate degree and working steadily, I find myself being constantly bombarded with questions concerning when I'll get married and start having children. Mind, I don't even have a boyfriend. I find that, despite wanting one, I'm not ready for a relationship. Many disagree, some being those closest to me who know me best.

But I've come to an agreement with my First Love and seeing as how He's never left me or lead me astray, I've decided to trust that He'll let me know when the guy chatting me up or catching my eye is the one that will come second only to Him. I don't have to search for or worry about it because what's to be mine is already mine, it simply hasn't arrived yet.

My First Love and I are working things out. We aren't where we need to be because I'm not where I should be. But I trust it will happen and, for me, that's good enough.