Today was a pretty good day at work, if I look at it from all angles. Now, truth be told, I don't have a whole lot of those. I had a good time with my consumers, I had a good time with my coworkers, and I got to enjoy beautiful weather, to boot.
So it's no wonder that I decided to lengthen my great day by lingering to chatter with a co-worker.
Now, let me say this. I spend my days (and some evenings and nights)running around DC. If there's one thing I can say without prejudice, it's that dudes don't hesitate to speak. It's a rare day that I walk any distance without a "Hey beautiful," or "Wanna spend some time with me, pretty?" I've perfected my polite and appreciative responses for one simple reason: I've yet to get one of those disrespectful hollas that makes a lady's smile curl into a disgusted snarl accompanied by a pair of rolling eyes and a sharp tongue. Whatever my response, supported with a smile, I always get a respectful nod and well wishes for my day/walk/life/whatever. I can definitely appreciate that in the path-crossers of DC.
Anyway. Back to today. I come out of the office, still jubilant over a triumphant scavenger hunt. (Yay, team! lol)I'm standing on the corner with Monster, just talking about how well everything had gone and how there would definitely be a stronger sense of camaraderie in the office blahblahblah. A guy pulls up to the stop sign behind us and we both reflexively glance over. We both do a double take when we see the driver (middle-aged, poorly groomed, angry looking) staring in our general direction. Monster turns back to me and says (without moving her mouth), "Is he ever gonna stop looking this way?" I chuckle out loud. In my peripheral, I see the man is still looking our way.
And then I hear something.
"Huh?"
I look back at the van, questioningly, certain that van-dude is on a Bluetooth. He was silent, lips unmoving. I turn back to my in-progress conversation and there it is again! I look back toward the van, eyes clearly confused. "I'm not looking at you two!" Confusion bubbles to my lips. "Excuse me?" He flails his left arm wildly in our direction. "I'm not looking at you two. I'm looking over there. At the building! Not at you!" My confusion turns into astonishment and...amusement. I start laughing uncontrollably, as Monster fusses "Why'd you have to say anything?"
But in the end, what could I do besides laugh?
lol
Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts
23 April 2009
12 January 2009
The Un-Single Life
An oldie, but a favorite :)
On the flip side of the wonder that is being single, there's the obvious alternative. To honor the occasion of my friend getting married (yay, Theo!), I did a somewhat-limited survey to find some good reasons to get married (in no particular order)
1. you can put out as much as you want and never be called a ho (a guy told me this)
2. tax benefits
3. paying half or less of the rent, even if you don't have any money (it's OUR money)
4. relatively free meals
5. a standing date for special occasions
6. a reason to get uber-dressed up and hang with the people closest to you
7. the bed gets warmed up faster
8. someone else can take out the garbage and/or do the dishes
9. someone else can get up and see who's at the door
10. someone to get or give breakfast in bed
11. someone to watch while they're asleep (from the guy who told me #1)
12. save money on phone bills, gas, and condoms b/c you have a live-in booty call (a girl told me this one)
13. easy explanantion for being knocked-up (or getting someone knocked up)
14. constant companionship (you already have friends)
15. always having someone to talk to
16. someone to come home to and who comes home to you
17. someone to get old with
18. someone else to lie to your bill collectors and/or boss
19. someone you can use the good handcuffs with/on
20. you can finally relax: stop lying, meet yourself, and be the person you knew you could be once you've caught/found your soulmate
BONUS!
Someone you'd feed to Audrey 2
Questions, comments, concerns, and suggestions can be sent to... me.
On the flip side of the wonder that is being single, there's the obvious alternative. To honor the occasion of my friend getting married (yay, Theo!), I did a somewhat-limited survey to find some good reasons to get married (in no particular order)
1. you can put out as much as you want and never be called a ho (a guy told me this)
2. tax benefits
3. paying half or less of the rent, even if you don't have any money (it's OUR money)
4. relatively free meals
5. a standing date for special occasions
6. a reason to get uber-dressed up and hang with the people closest to you
7. the bed gets warmed up faster
8. someone else can take out the garbage and/or do the dishes
9. someone else can get up and see who's at the door
10. someone to get or give breakfast in bed
11. someone to watch while they're asleep (from the guy who told me #1)
12. save money on phone bills, gas, and condoms b/c you have a live-in booty call (a girl told me this one)
13. easy explanantion for being knocked-up (or getting someone knocked up)
14. constant companionship (you already have friends)
15. always having someone to talk to
16. someone to come home to and who comes home to you
17. someone to get old with
18. someone else to lie to your bill collectors and/or boss
19. someone you can use the good handcuffs with/on
20. you can finally relax: stop lying, meet yourself, and be the person you knew you could be once you've caught/found your soulmate
BONUS!
Someone you'd feed to Audrey 2
Questions, comments, concerns, and suggestions can be sent to... me.
02 December 2008
Liar, Liar
Everyone lies. Maybe not often, maybe for the "right" reasons. But it happens. Years ago I figured there were only two reasons for lying.
Reason #1: You are afraid of the consequences of the truth, either the ones that affect you or the person you're lying to.
Reason #2: You're too lazy to explain the truth.
Don't bother wondering. Yes, it includes all lies even the little white ones and the ones you tell to protect another's feelings or position.
Now I've explained this theory to quite a few people and get a lot of different reactions. But, most people were pissed. I'm sure they were trying to determine whether their last lie was the product of fear or laziness. *smirk*
I'd be lying if I said that I don't lie anymore. I definitely fall into the laziness arena although I did catch myself lying out of fear. I actually laughed aloud when I realized I was doing and then backtracked and told the truth. Still, I did start the lie so I guess it counts.
I guess you'll be thinking more on the next lie you tell, huh? Well, before you do that, tell me about the LAST lie you told :)
Marriage Question
I actually have a number (the number is 3) of blogs waiting for me to complete them, but this thing crossed my mind so... enjoy.
I sent an email a few months ago to a gaggle of people. It happened that I got 6 responses: 3 males, 3 females, and a mix of Christians and non. Just thought I'd share the demographics with you. Below you'll find the article (the link doesn't go directly to it anymore). The responses from folks who's opinions I respect are also below. (Kept anonymous, of course). Please feel free to add your thoughts.
It happens all the time: A guy spends months, even years, in a long-term relationship with a girl he really digs. But after dropping the I-don't-see-myself-ever- getting-married bomb, he suddenly turns around and ties the knot with a new chick. The factors that tip a dude from steady relationship to "till death do us part" seem like the ultimate unsolved mystery ... especially when you're in a solid LTR and aren't sure if your guy is even considering marriage.
It all comes down to some elusive qualities women have a hard time understanding but men are always on the lookout for, explains Willard Harley Jr., Ph.D., author of I Promise You: Preparing for a Marriage That Will Last a Lifetime. "Part of what makes him want to get married is chemistry and passion, but it's also about certain actions and behaviors that are more concrete than you'd think," says Harley. Below, we clue you in to five crucial traits that separate the girls men date from the ones who make them want to set a date.
Tie-the-Knot-Trait 1: She's Exciting and Always Evolving
You know how every season finale of your favorite TV show ends with a million unanswered questions and you can't freaking wait for the next one? Well, a girl can give her guy that same thrilling mix of exhilaration and anticipation by surprising him.
"She does this by being spontaneous and a little unpredictable, taking on new interests all the time, and revealing different facets of herself," explains Alon Gratch, Ph.D., author of If Love Could Think. By never letting life get static, this woman busts the myth that being married means feeling humdrum. "She makes being with her an adventure, as if there's always a new
idea or activity just around the bend," says Gratch.
"With most of my girlfriends, I feared that we'd run out of things to talk about if we spent too much time together. But when I met my fiancée, Gwen, I kept discovering new layers to her. One day she came home from work with a stack of cookbooks; the next week she told me stories about how she loved designing outfits in high school. She's full of small surprises." —Brett, 29
"I dated a lot of girls who liked pushing boundaries, but it all seemed a little forced. My wife's sense of adventure, however, comes from within. She's naturally driven to challenge herself by trying new things. That's the kind of girl you want to marry. If you aren't continually fascinated by each other, it won't last." —Rob, 38
"The thing that makes my fiancée so captivating: She takes risks. I don't mean she bungee jumps off bridges. It's more that when a new opportunity comes along — a different facet to her job or the chance to meet new people at an event or party — she grabs it and proceeds. Her boldness makes her enchanting." —Bob, 27
Tie-the-Knot-Trait 2: She Really, Really Loves Sex
No big shocker here — a chick who enjoys twisting the sheets will always have a hopping social life. But when a woman makes the effort to have really connected sex that involves both body and mind, she goes from great girlfriend to marriage material in his view.
"Men crave sex that's erotic, but they also want sex that makes them feel deeply bonded," says Gratch. In other words, it's not all about wowing a guy with pretzel-like positions; a big part of having amazing booty is paying close attention to his mind-set and moods during the deed so sex reaches a higher, almost spiritual level.
Another thing that makes them think of the M word: when a woman is actively committed to keeping the passion on high boil. "A guy's biggest fear is that the great sex that made him think you were The One will fall by the wayside," explains Douglas Weiss, Ph.D., author of The 7 Love Agreements: Decisions You Can Make on Your Own to Strengthen Your Marriage. "A woman who puts effort into maintaining that sizzle is a dream come true."
"To make sure that the awesome sex we had when we first met didn't lose its passion, my wife came up with this idea for regular ‘sex bets.' For example, she'd bet me that I couldn't make her climax several times in a row, or I'd challenge her to initiate action in a semipublic spot. We have never fallen into a rut, and our competition keeps us feeling connected." —Jamie, 30
"My fiancée did this terrific thing when we first started having sex: After we were finished, she'd tell me how good I made her feel, that she really liked how I felt against her skin. It made me want to tell her what I liked too. Guys aren't supposed to admit it, but opening up about how sex affects us emotionally actually enhances the physical side of things." —Paul, 28
"My fiancée was up-front from the start about her desire for an extremely satisfying sex life; she never had any hang-ups about taking charge in bed or proposing out-there activities that a lot of women would be afraid to admit they were curious about. I could tell I wasn't getting ensnared in the classic bait-and-switch marriage that so many guys fall into — you know, when the action slows to a halt a year after you become husband and wife." —Russ, 34
Tie-the-Knot-Trait 3: She Makes It Clear He's Not Her Entire Life
It's flattering to a guy to realize that his girl thinks the world of him, but it's less appealing when he gets the impression that he is her world. That's why a girlfriend who retains her independence and sense of self, even as the relationship takes a serious turn, has definite wife appeal.
"A woman who depends on a man for her sense of fulfillment is a scary thing for a guy," says Gratch. "Men don't want to feel smothered or totally responsible for their partner's day-to-day happiness." The guy ideal: a chick who views coupledom as a solid partnership in which both she and her man still have separate identities.
"Before we were married, Jess would go out with her group of friends a lot, which I later became a part of. But she didn't put all of her focus on me. She made it clear that she was there to hang out with them. I really liked the fact that she wasn't the type of girl who ditches her girlfriends when she meets a guy. It made me confident that she'd always have her own life outside our relationship." —Sam, 33
"She definitely makes time for me so we can do things as boyfriend and girlfriend, but my fiancée also keeps up her own life. She has a weekly dinner with college friends, an art class every Thursday night, plus the responsibilities of her job as a journalist. I like that she doesn't check with me first to see what I want to do and she doesn't offer to bail out of an event or night out with pals in favor of always being with me." —Charles, 35
Tie-the-Knot-Trait 4: ...Yet She Still Conveys How Very Important He Is to Her
Okay, so men dig independent chicks. But there's a fine line between being independent and acting aloof and detached. Guys settle down with a woman who regularly reveals her tender side and shows him that no matter what happens, she's got his back.
"Men view life as a struggle or war that they're fighting, and they want someone who'll be on their side at all times, through thick and thin," says Gratch. "This doesn't mean that a woman should mother him or assist him with every little detail of his life; it's more about consistently doing small, nurturing things that let him know you really care."
A couple of examples: Bringing him a treat when he tells you he isn't feeling well or complimenting his brilliance after he finishes a stressful work project. "These gestures are tiny, but they reassure a man that his girl is solidly on his team," says Gratch.
"When we first started becoming a serious couple, my fiancé accepted a new job that required a lot of travel and attention. Still, even from hotels across the country, she took the time to call and check in on how my day was going and e-mail me little messages. She even stocked my refrigerator with beer and sandwiches before she'd leave on another trip. Her concern and thoughtfulness helped push our relationship to a higher level." —David, 28
"Every so often, my in-laws and I will get into an argument. But from the very first one, my wife has always respectfully defended me, and this made me want to be with her forever. She loves her parents and values their opinions, of course, and she and I don't always see eye to eye. Yet no matter what the issue is, she still lets her family know that she's sticking by me. This is a big thing for guys. I know it sounds ridiculous, but men tend to see themselves as misunderstood lone wolves."-Alan, 30
Tie-the-Knot-Trait 5: She Wants Him to Be the Best Man He Can Be
Men don't secretly want their girlfriends to bark orders at them like a drill sergeant. It's more about helping him reach his potential by actively supporting his goals, even pushing him a teensy bit so he can succeed in whatever he does.
"Young guys tend to try to get away with as little as possible, and a lot of women let them, thinking that it would be out of line to challenge their man," says Harley. "But a man admires a woman who encourages him to shape up and toe the line ... as long as she has his best interests in mind and isn't trying to mold him."
This also means calling his bluff and not letting him get away with slacking off. "Even though it might seem like tough love at the time, she helps him achieve and accomplish things, and deep down he appreciates her for that," says Harley.
"Before we got engaged, the woman who is now my fiancé told me that she thought I was drinking too much, working too hard, and not taking care of myself. Ouch. But when I actually took in what she said, I knew that she was right and she was looking out for me. No other girlfriend had ever been so honest." —Ryan, 29
"I wasn't on speaking terms with my father for years, and when I told my girlfriend this and that I just didn't care about having a relationship with him anymore, she didn't nod sympathetically. She made me call him and work things out because she knew I'd eventually regret it if I didn't. She had the guts to disagree with me about something most women wouldn't want to get involved in." —Shawn, 31
____________________________________________________________________
RESPONSES
1. "this is basic calm and sense on how to keep a man or marry him ... we as human beings are too complex to be subjected down to just 5 points or x amount of chapters in a book... The same way God works in mysterious ways well we were created in his image so its only fair to say we to are mysteries. So to tell you the truth your list of how to marry a man or women should be narrowed down to one thing. Do they know And love God... Because he represents all those things on that 5 point list and more.... but just to announce that you know and love him will eliminate huge stupid lists and help you to decide for yourself if that person is right for you" -Guy 1
2. "The article is valid but what feedback are you looking for?I think it's a new day for women to be spontaneous without being fast...a 21st century thinker with 20th century values and morals....a mover and a shaker who will stand by her man.... Think of what you'd like in a person and try being that person....challenging....." -Gal 1
3. "I don't think all men would agree with this list. It sounds like something straight out of Cosmo from 1997, that you pick up at the dentist office when you're waiting to be seen. I personally think Freud was dead on when it came to relationships and childhood. I think most men, whether they are willing to admit to it or not are looking for "mom" or they want to be "mothered." If they had a negative experience with mom, or the mom figure, they are going to spend their lives looking for a woman who can be the "perfect" mom in their eyes or if they had a positive experience, they want a woman who is exactly like her--sometimes down to her physical traits. No man wants to marry a whore, so saying things like, "oh I want her to be a freak" is nonsense. They don't even want their wives, for the most part, to be that skilled in bed. It's good to spice things up but when the wife is asking them if they want to use a dildo instead, they run for the hills.
I've noticed that when a man spends a long time with you in a committed LTR, then he leaves you and marries the next woman he comes across, that new woman either looks like you, or has most or all of your traits. It seems that if something negative happened between the two of you, he can't get past it and wants a more "perfect" form of you.
Not all men are bad and when it's right, it's right 110%. Sometimes women have to notice signs and signals that he isn't going to take the relationship to the next level and have that discussion. Just so neither spend years, wasting time and energy in a relationship that won't get off the ground. Everyone deserves to be happy and will find that right mate, they just need to spend the time building the confidence to walk away when it's not right and stand up for the important stuff. Tyler Perry actually has a great quote, it's from one of his plays--"Media Goes to Jail," I think. I'm paraphrasing but the jist of it was learning to let people go and how your life is like a tree. There are many branches and a number of roots and we have to learn that some branches need to be pruned every so often, i.e. letting people go, and that some branches will produce fruit or leaves. It's a great quote when I come across it again, I'm going to make copies and post it everywhere. " -Gal 2
4."It's about time that we stopped looking for answers in all the wrong places. Man never had the answers and never will have the answers. Trying to satisfy a man in order to have what he is looking for to become his wife is quite ridiculous. While we all may fall short and listen to the "gurus" and "experts"... truth is they really have no idea aout what they are talking about. When you want to know about your car you read the manual and speak to someone who is knowledgeable. We as a people were given domion over animals and not man. We sometimes do not fully understand ourselves let alone another person. A woman's heart should be soo lost in God, that a man has to find God in order to find her and vice versa. Let's stop trying to be perfect for him and redefine our relationship with God and be in complete love with him first and ALLL these things will be added unto us! Hope this is beneficial"
-Gal 3
5. "I think that this article is very accurate. The questions vary, but those 5 tips will help you go very very far. If a girl did all of those things, it would make me consider her for a wife. I like the bullet around wanting your man to be his best. Not the picture that you have in your head of his best, but HIS best. I normally think most articles like this are supperficial bull shit, but I resonate with this one. Thanks for sharing" -Guy 2
6. "I think these are pretty general attributes that any man wants in a good woman. I guess I agree. I haven't seen anything in there too out of touch with reality." -Guy 3
I sent an email a few months ago to a gaggle of people. It happened that I got 6 responses: 3 males, 3 females, and a mix of Christians and non. Just thought I'd share the demographics with you. Below you'll find the article (the link doesn't go directly to it anymore). The responses from folks who's opinions I respect are also below. (Kept anonymous, of course). Please feel free to add your thoughts.
Why Guys Marry Some Girls (but Not Others)
All men have a secret wedding checklist: five traits they look for in a woman that say she's worth walking down the aisle for. He won't pop the question without 'em.
By Beth WhiffenIt happens all the time: A guy spends months, even years, in a long-term relationship with a girl he really digs. But after dropping the I-don't-see-myself-ever- getting-married bomb, he suddenly turns around and ties the knot with a new chick. The factors that tip a dude from steady relationship to "till death do us part" seem like the ultimate unsolved mystery ... especially when you're in a solid LTR and aren't sure if your guy is even considering marriage.
It all comes down to some elusive qualities women have a hard time understanding but men are always on the lookout for, explains Willard Harley Jr., Ph.D., author of I Promise You: Preparing for a Marriage That Will Last a Lifetime. "Part of what makes him want to get married is chemistry and passion, but it's also about certain actions and behaviors that are more concrete than you'd think," says Harley. Below, we clue you in to five crucial traits that separate the girls men date from the ones who make them want to set a date.
Tie-the-Knot-Trait 1: She's Exciting and Always Evolving
You know how every season finale of your favorite TV show ends with a million unanswered questions and you can't freaking wait for the next one? Well, a girl can give her guy that same thrilling mix of exhilaration and anticipation by surprising him.
"She does this by being spontaneous and a little unpredictable, taking on new interests all the time, and revealing different facets of herself," explains Alon Gratch, Ph.D., author of If Love Could Think. By never letting life get static, this woman busts the myth that being married means feeling humdrum. "She makes being with her an adventure, as if there's always a new
idea or activity just around the bend," says Gratch.
"With most of my girlfriends, I feared that we'd run out of things to talk about if we spent too much time together. But when I met my fiancée, Gwen, I kept discovering new layers to her. One day she came home from work with a stack of cookbooks; the next week she told me stories about how she loved designing outfits in high school. She's full of small surprises." —Brett, 29
"I dated a lot of girls who liked pushing boundaries, but it all seemed a little forced. My wife's sense of adventure, however, comes from within. She's naturally driven to challenge herself by trying new things. That's the kind of girl you want to marry. If you aren't continually fascinated by each other, it won't last." —Rob, 38
"The thing that makes my fiancée so captivating: She takes risks. I don't mean she bungee jumps off bridges. It's more that when a new opportunity comes along — a different facet to her job or the chance to meet new people at an event or party — she grabs it and proceeds. Her boldness makes her enchanting." —Bob, 27
Tie-the-Knot-Trait 2: She Really, Really Loves Sex
No big shocker here — a chick who enjoys twisting the sheets will always have a hopping social life. But when a woman makes the effort to have really connected sex that involves both body and mind, she goes from great girlfriend to marriage material in his view.
"Men crave sex that's erotic, but they also want sex that makes them feel deeply bonded," says Gratch. In other words, it's not all about wowing a guy with pretzel-like positions; a big part of having amazing booty is paying close attention to his mind-set and moods during the deed so sex reaches a higher, almost spiritual level.
Another thing that makes them think of the M word: when a woman is actively committed to keeping the passion on high boil. "A guy's biggest fear is that the great sex that made him think you were The One will fall by the wayside," explains Douglas Weiss, Ph.D., author of The 7 Love Agreements: Decisions You Can Make on Your Own to Strengthen Your Marriage. "A woman who puts effort into maintaining that sizzle is a dream come true."
"To make sure that the awesome sex we had when we first met didn't lose its passion, my wife came up with this idea for regular ‘sex bets.' For example, she'd bet me that I couldn't make her climax several times in a row, or I'd challenge her to initiate action in a semipublic spot. We have never fallen into a rut, and our competition keeps us feeling connected." —Jamie, 30
"My fiancée did this terrific thing when we first started having sex: After we were finished, she'd tell me how good I made her feel, that she really liked how I felt against her skin. It made me want to tell her what I liked too. Guys aren't supposed to admit it, but opening up about how sex affects us emotionally actually enhances the physical side of things." —Paul, 28
"My fiancée was up-front from the start about her desire for an extremely satisfying sex life; she never had any hang-ups about taking charge in bed or proposing out-there activities that a lot of women would be afraid to admit they were curious about. I could tell I wasn't getting ensnared in the classic bait-and-switch marriage that so many guys fall into — you know, when the action slows to a halt a year after you become husband and wife." —Russ, 34
Tie-the-Knot-Trait 3: She Makes It Clear He's Not Her Entire Life
It's flattering to a guy to realize that his girl thinks the world of him, but it's less appealing when he gets the impression that he is her world. That's why a girlfriend who retains her independence and sense of self, even as the relationship takes a serious turn, has definite wife appeal.
"A woman who depends on a man for her sense of fulfillment is a scary thing for a guy," says Gratch. "Men don't want to feel smothered or totally responsible for their partner's day-to-day happiness." The guy ideal: a chick who views coupledom as a solid partnership in which both she and her man still have separate identities.
"Before we were married, Jess would go out with her group of friends a lot, which I later became a part of. But she didn't put all of her focus on me. She made it clear that she was there to hang out with them. I really liked the fact that she wasn't the type of girl who ditches her girlfriends when she meets a guy. It made me confident that she'd always have her own life outside our relationship." —Sam, 33
"She definitely makes time for me so we can do things as boyfriend and girlfriend, but my fiancée also keeps up her own life. She has a weekly dinner with college friends, an art class every Thursday night, plus the responsibilities of her job as a journalist. I like that she doesn't check with me first to see what I want to do and she doesn't offer to bail out of an event or night out with pals in favor of always being with me." —Charles, 35
Tie-the-Knot-Trait 4: ...Yet She Still Conveys How Very Important He Is to Her
Okay, so men dig independent chicks. But there's a fine line between being independent and acting aloof and detached. Guys settle down with a woman who regularly reveals her tender side and shows him that no matter what happens, she's got his back.
"Men view life as a struggle or war that they're fighting, and they want someone who'll be on their side at all times, through thick and thin," says Gratch. "This doesn't mean that a woman should mother him or assist him with every little detail of his life; it's more about consistently doing small, nurturing things that let him know you really care."
A couple of examples: Bringing him a treat when he tells you he isn't feeling well or complimenting his brilliance after he finishes a stressful work project. "These gestures are tiny, but they reassure a man that his girl is solidly on his team," says Gratch.
"When we first started becoming a serious couple, my fiancé accepted a new job that required a lot of travel and attention. Still, even from hotels across the country, she took the time to call and check in on how my day was going and e-mail me little messages. She even stocked my refrigerator with beer and sandwiches before she'd leave on another trip. Her concern and thoughtfulness helped push our relationship to a higher level." —David, 28
"Every so often, my in-laws and I will get into an argument. But from the very first one, my wife has always respectfully defended me, and this made me want to be with her forever. She loves her parents and values their opinions, of course, and she and I don't always see eye to eye. Yet no matter what the issue is, she still lets her family know that she's sticking by me. This is a big thing for guys. I know it sounds ridiculous, but men tend to see themselves as misunderstood lone wolves."-Alan, 30
Tie-the-Knot-Trait 5: She Wants Him to Be the Best Man He Can Be
Men don't secretly want their girlfriends to bark orders at them like a drill sergeant. It's more about helping him reach his potential by actively supporting his goals, even pushing him a teensy bit so he can succeed in whatever he does.
"Young guys tend to try to get away with as little as possible, and a lot of women let them, thinking that it would be out of line to challenge their man," says Harley. "But a man admires a woman who encourages him to shape up and toe the line ... as long as she has his best interests in mind and isn't trying to mold him."
This also means calling his bluff and not letting him get away with slacking off. "Even though it might seem like tough love at the time, she helps him achieve and accomplish things, and deep down he appreciates her for that," says Harley.
"Before we got engaged, the woman who is now my fiancé told me that she thought I was drinking too much, working too hard, and not taking care of myself. Ouch. But when I actually took in what she said, I knew that she was right and she was looking out for me. No other girlfriend had ever been so honest." —Ryan, 29
"I wasn't on speaking terms with my father for years, and when I told my girlfriend this and that I just didn't care about having a relationship with him anymore, she didn't nod sympathetically. She made me call him and work things out because she knew I'd eventually regret it if I didn't. She had the guts to disagree with me about something most women wouldn't want to get involved in." —Shawn, 31
____________________________________________________________________
RESPONSES
1. "this is basic calm and sense on how to keep a man or marry him ... we as human beings are too complex to be subjected down to just 5 points or x amount of chapters in a book... The same way God works in mysterious ways well we were created in his image so its only fair to say we to are mysteries. So to tell you the truth your list of how to marry a man or women should be narrowed down to one thing. Do they know And love God... Because he represents all those things on that 5 point list and more.... but just to announce that you know and love him will eliminate huge stupid lists and help you to decide for yourself if that person is right for you" -Guy 1
2. "The article is valid but what feedback are you looking for?I think it's a new day for women to be spontaneous without being fast...a 21st century thinker with 20th century values and morals....a mover and a shaker who will stand by her man.... Think of what you'd like in a person and try being that person....challenging....." -Gal 1
3. "I don't think all men would agree with this list. It sounds like something straight out of Cosmo from 1997, that you pick up at the dentist office when you're waiting to be seen. I personally think Freud was dead on when it came to relationships and childhood. I think most men, whether they are willing to admit to it or not are looking for "mom" or they want to be "mothered." If they had a negative experience with mom, or the mom figure, they are going to spend their lives looking for a woman who can be the "perfect" mom in their eyes or if they had a positive experience, they want a woman who is exactly like her--sometimes down to her physical traits. No man wants to marry a whore, so saying things like, "oh I want her to be a freak" is nonsense. They don't even want their wives, for the most part, to be that skilled in bed. It's good to spice things up but when the wife is asking them if they want to use a dildo instead, they run for the hills.
I've noticed that when a man spends a long time with you in a committed LTR, then he leaves you and marries the next woman he comes across, that new woman either looks like you, or has most or all of your traits. It seems that if something negative happened between the two of you, he can't get past it and wants a more "perfect" form of you.
Not all men are bad and when it's right, it's right 110%. Sometimes women have to notice signs and signals that he isn't going to take the relationship to the next level and have that discussion. Just so neither spend years, wasting time and energy in a relationship that won't get off the ground. Everyone deserves to be happy and will find that right mate, they just need to spend the time building the confidence to walk away when it's not right and stand up for the important stuff. Tyler Perry actually has a great quote, it's from one of his plays--"Media Goes to Jail," I think. I'm paraphrasing but the jist of it was learning to let people go and how your life is like a tree. There are many branches and a number of roots and we have to learn that some branches need to be pruned every so often, i.e. letting people go, and that some branches will produce fruit or leaves. It's a great quote when I come across it again, I'm going to make copies and post it everywhere. " -Gal 2
4."It's about time that we stopped looking for answers in all the wrong places. Man never had the answers and never will have the answers. Trying to satisfy a man in order to have what he is looking for to become his wife is quite ridiculous. While we all may fall short and listen to the "gurus" and "experts"... truth is they really have no idea aout what they are talking about. When you want to know about your car you read the manual and speak to someone who is knowledgeable. We as a people were given domion over animals and not man. We sometimes do not fully understand ourselves let alone another person. A woman's heart should be soo lost in God, that a man has to find God in order to find her and vice versa. Let's stop trying to be perfect for him and redefine our relationship with God and be in complete love with him first and ALLL these things will be added unto us! Hope this is beneficial"
-Gal 3
5. "I think that this article is very accurate. The questions vary, but those 5 tips will help you go very very far. If a girl did all of those things, it would make me consider her for a wife. I like the bullet around wanting your man to be his best. Not the picture that you have in your head of his best, but HIS best. I normally think most articles like this are supperficial bull shit, but I resonate with this one. Thanks for sharing" -Guy 2
6. "I think these are pretty general attributes that any man wants in a good woman. I guess I agree. I haven't seen anything in there too out of touch with reality." -Guy 3
30 November 2008
Step by Step 1 of 2
I watched "Good Luck Chuck" this weekend and loved it. Aside from being one of the more ridiculous funny movies I've seen in a while, it was randomly deep-ish. The movie is pretty much about this guy who is considered a good luck charm because everyone woman he's ever slept with has married the next guy she dates. Of course, the downside for the main character is that he meets a girl that can be the one and blah, blah, blah... watch the movie.
Anyway, there's a part where the main guy really breaks down his position in, well, life.
********Spoiler Alert**********
"My entire life, I've been nothing more than a stepping-stone to every relationship I've ever been in. There's always been a next guy who's better than me. For once in my life, I want to be that next guy."
*************************************************************************************
It occurred to me that I've been a stepping-stone, too. Always that last step to the great girl he can spend forever with. Weird how it was hilarious in the movie and not-so-hilarious in real life. Heck, sometimes I didn't even get to be the previous relationship. I was just the previous... experience. A long-term, nontitled... something.
Then, of course, I wandered to a different line of thought. I wondered which people considered themselves stepping-stones in my life. I certainly haven't leaped on the the step of forever-ness. But which ex or experience or whatever, shifted something in my story that has lead me to where I am now and where I will be.
I guess everything in life really is step by step. Ugh. Where are the rewind and fast forward?
Anyway, there's a part where the main guy really breaks down his position in, well, life.
********Spoiler Alert**********
"My entire life, I've been nothing more than a stepping-stone to every relationship I've ever been in. There's always been a next guy who's better than me. For once in my life, I want to be that next guy."
*************************************************************************************
It occurred to me that I've been a stepping-stone, too. Always that last step to the great girl he can spend forever with. Weird how it was hilarious in the movie and not-so-hilarious in real life. Heck, sometimes I didn't even get to be the previous relationship. I was just the previous... experience. A long-term, nontitled... something.
Then, of course, I wandered to a different line of thought. I wondered which people considered themselves stepping-stones in my life. I certainly haven't leaped on the the step of forever-ness. But which ex or experience or whatever, shifted something in my story that has lead me to where I am now and where I will be.
I guess everything in life really is step by step. Ugh. Where are the rewind and fast forward?
24 November 2008
These kids...
Anyway, someone I knew posted the above posted video, and I realized I just had to say something.
What the *bleep* is going on here?
Why is it considered ok to do this anywhere? I'm sorry; I'm really too pissed and disgusted to go into lengthy pissivity. So, please, share your thoughts, comments, and concerns. Maybe I'll add more later.
17 April 2008
It will be forever...
"When I fall in love, it will be forever. Or I'll never fall in love.
In a restless world like this is, love is ended before it's begun.
And too many moonlight kisses seem to cool in the warmth of the sun.
When I give my heart, it will be completely. Or I'll never give my heart
And the moment I can feel that you feel that way, too, is when I fall in love with you."
I love this song. I really do. And the older I get, the more I live, the longer I love, the more it comes to mean to me. I know, some may say I'm a sap. And I might be. But I really don't care. Because what was true in a song first sung over 50 years ago is still true today.
I'll admit I'm a strange romantic. I was definitely the young girl who thought about her wedding and the names of her children (Thanks to the game of MASH). I imagined what my home would be like and general day to day life. But it never occurred to me to really think about my eventual husband. I mean, I always figured I'd have one, but I never put any real thought into it. It's probably because I really do believe that there is someone out there being formed just for me, just like I'm being formed just for him. And, at this point in my life, it's probably someone I already know or have already come across. I digress.
I never thought about love. And that's probably why it felt like it hit me unexpectedly. Ok. Get ready, 'cause I'm about to contradict myself a bit here. I decided to fall in love. I know that everyone talks about how love just hits you and all that jazz. But I made an actual decision to fall in love with the person I did. Of course, I didn't figure out how to climb out of love, but that's for another blog. I didn't so much pick the person or even the time, but I did make a mental decision that I was ready for love. Of course, that might have needed a little more forethought as to whether or not he was ready, or wanted, love. (He either wasn't or didn't).
So here's the point of all this roundabout chatter. I always knew I'd be for one. Just the one guy forever. That hasn't happened yet. But I'm thinking now that I might be involved in a snafu. I might have taken my one shot love and used it up. If that is the case (and, I don't actually know this for sure), then what's left? Sometimes I think that if I'd heard this song back when I'd decided to give my love (love, not sex) to him, I'd have decided otherwise. Probably not. He felt worth it then, feels worth it now, and I'm hedging he'll feel worth it until I can't feel anymore. Yes, he may turn out to never be worth it. But I fell in love and gave my heart, forever and completely. Too bad I didn't wait until I felt he felt the same way, too.
In a restless world like this is, love is ended before it's begun.
And too many moonlight kisses seem to cool in the warmth of the sun.
When I give my heart, it will be completely. Or I'll never give my heart
And the moment I can feel that you feel that way, too, is when I fall in love with you."
I love this song. I really do. And the older I get, the more I live, the longer I love, the more it comes to mean to me. I know, some may say I'm a sap. And I might be. But I really don't care. Because what was true in a song first sung over 50 years ago is still true today.
I'll admit I'm a strange romantic. I was definitely the young girl who thought about her wedding and the names of her children (Thanks to the game of MASH). I imagined what my home would be like and general day to day life. But it never occurred to me to really think about my eventual husband. I mean, I always figured I'd have one, but I never put any real thought into it. It's probably because I really do believe that there is someone out there being formed just for me, just like I'm being formed just for him. And, at this point in my life, it's probably someone I already know or have already come across. I digress.
I never thought about love. And that's probably why it felt like it hit me unexpectedly. Ok. Get ready, 'cause I'm about to contradict myself a bit here. I decided to fall in love. I know that everyone talks about how love just hits you and all that jazz. But I made an actual decision to fall in love with the person I did. Of course, I didn't figure out how to climb out of love, but that's for another blog. I didn't so much pick the person or even the time, but I did make a mental decision that I was ready for love. Of course, that might have needed a little more forethought as to whether or not he was ready, or wanted, love. (He either wasn't or didn't).
So here's the point of all this roundabout chatter. I always knew I'd be for one. Just the one guy forever. That hasn't happened yet. But I'm thinking now that I might be involved in a snafu. I might have taken my one shot love and used it up. If that is the case (and, I don't actually know this for sure), then what's left? Sometimes I think that if I'd heard this song back when I'd decided to give my love (love, not sex) to him, I'd have decided otherwise. Probably not. He felt worth it then, feels worth it now, and I'm hedging he'll feel worth it until I can't feel anymore. Yes, he may turn out to never be worth it. But I fell in love and gave my heart, forever and completely. Too bad I didn't wait until I felt he felt the same way, too.
29 February 2008
She Said
I was sitting in the middle of my bed, legs crossed, trying to concentrate on the book I was reading. I probably should have been studying for the test I would be having the next day, but my mind was craving some real fiction (yes, real fiction) and I refused give it statistics in lieu of it's true want.
Try as I might, I couldn't focus on the book. One of my roommates was chatting not so quietly with her boyfriend while another was talking to me. Was the open book in my hands not an indication that I'd rather not listen to either of them? Well, I'd chosen to have two roomies; one on the left and one one the right. So this must be my punishment for not thinking things all the way through.
Evidently Right-Side roomie said something I was supposed to respond to, because there was a pregnant pause. Actually, the moment was quieter than it ought to have been. I looked at Left-Side roomie and she was looking at me, too. What had been said that I'd missed while purposely ignoring them both?
"Sorry, what," I asked.
Left-Side roomie ended her phone call and rolled over to join in the conversation. Man, it must've been a doozy.
"I said,"continued right-side,"you only want him because he's taken. If he were single, you wouldn't look at him twice. You're just one of those kinds of girls. You'll always want someone else's man and he'll never be yours."
I sat perplexed. "Wait, what?" I couldn't have heard what my brain was telling me I had. But I had, because she repeated it again and much more slowly.
A million cutting words slipped to the edge of my tongue and I inhaled in preparation to slice into Right-Side as if I'd been saving up my entire life for this moment. Left-Side interjected quickly,"You don't know what the hell you're talking about."
That was all it took to bring me back to the reality of the moment. This girl didn't know me. She didn't know the guy in reference. And she didn't know anything about our relationship except that we knew each other and talked a lot.
Still. Those words burned into my memory. What did it say about me that someone who didn't really know me thought such unsavory things about my personality? Could it be that she could see something in me that I didn't know was there? No, no. Of course not. I was being ridiculous. But it still hurt.
But I did start keeping a close eye on myself. Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but that's what I did. Time passed, and my feeling were... well, to put it gently, unrequited. It wasn't sweet, but it could have been worse. He ended relationships, he was single, he began new relationships and I cared all the while. Sometimes I'd wonder if I kept caring just to prove that it wasn't just a passing fancy or a need to have what someone else did. Nothing ever did become of him and me. But I wasted a lot of time watching myself love someone crushingly. What entertainment...
And all because of some idiocy she said.
Try as I might, I couldn't focus on the book. One of my roommates was chatting not so quietly with her boyfriend while another was talking to me. Was the open book in my hands not an indication that I'd rather not listen to either of them? Well, I'd chosen to have two roomies; one on the left and one one the right. So this must be my punishment for not thinking things all the way through.
Evidently Right-Side roomie said something I was supposed to respond to, because there was a pregnant pause. Actually, the moment was quieter than it ought to have been. I looked at Left-Side roomie and she was looking at me, too. What had been said that I'd missed while purposely ignoring them both?
"Sorry, what," I asked.
Left-Side roomie ended her phone call and rolled over to join in the conversation. Man, it must've been a doozy.
"I said,"continued right-side,"you only want him because he's taken. If he were single, you wouldn't look at him twice. You're just one of those kinds of girls. You'll always want someone else's man and he'll never be yours."
I sat perplexed. "Wait, what?" I couldn't have heard what my brain was telling me I had. But I had, because she repeated it again and much more slowly.
A million cutting words slipped to the edge of my tongue and I inhaled in preparation to slice into Right-Side as if I'd been saving up my entire life for this moment. Left-Side interjected quickly,"You don't know what the hell you're talking about."
That was all it took to bring me back to the reality of the moment. This girl didn't know me. She didn't know the guy in reference. And she didn't know anything about our relationship except that we knew each other and talked a lot.
Still. Those words burned into my memory. What did it say about me that someone who didn't really know me thought such unsavory things about my personality? Could it be that she could see something in me that I didn't know was there? No, no. Of course not. I was being ridiculous. But it still hurt.
But I did start keeping a close eye on myself. Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but that's what I did. Time passed, and my feeling were... well, to put it gently, unrequited. It wasn't sweet, but it could have been worse. He ended relationships, he was single, he began new relationships and I cared all the while. Sometimes I'd wonder if I kept caring just to prove that it wasn't just a passing fancy or a need to have what someone else did. Nothing ever did become of him and me. But I wasted a lot of time watching myself love someone crushingly. What entertainment...
And all because of some idiocy she said.
06 February 2008
Something Stupid
So I was listening to old mix CDs (remember those?) and came across a song I barely remember burning.
It's called "Something Stupid" and performed by Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman.
Ironic how I didn't recognize it at first listen, but how apropos it was and still is.
"And though its just a line to you, for me its true/ It never seemed so right before...
I practice every day to find some clever lines to say/ To make the meaning come through/ But then I think I'll wait until the evening gets late/ And I'm alone with you.
And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid
Like: I love you"
Not too long ago this was very much my story. I think back and realize that that inebriated but very clear 'I love you' was a turning point. I can't spend time going over all that's happened between the whispered words and now. But even now, the ripples are still going. Isn't that crazy? The theory of a butterfly effect. That everything has an effect on everything else and reverberates through time and across all boundaries.
So back to the topic at hand. I wouldn't classify myself as a 'gusher'. You know the gushers; those people that must remind you that they love you every time you speak. I don't have anything against them, mind you. Some of my greatest loves are gushers. But that just isn't me.
But I'm not afraid to say it, though. I only say it if I mean it and when I feel the words pressing against my throat to be released. The love is always there, but sometimes there's a moment or a thought that sends an overflow of love and I have to express it in a tangible way.
That's how it happened that one night. We were lying on the floor, in the dark, a little past buzzed but not quite drunk. I was staring out the window, watching the lightning, listening to the thunder, and wondering where the rain was. "What an odd storm", I thought to myself. And in that moment I couldn't help myself. I'll admit that I weighed the option of not saying it. But I realized it would be better to say it now and be able to pass it off as drunken affection, than if I held it in and it burst out at an awkward and uncomfortable juncture. Well, you know what I did next. But it's what he did next that shook me.
No.
It's what he didn't realize he did next that shook me. He stuttered. He wasn't speaking when it happened, but I felt it in the air, in his spirit, in his soul- like an electric crackle across my skin. An instantaneous pause, that I might have missed if it had been anyone but him. And, oh, how it hurt. I will never be able to deny that. That hiccup within himself made me wish I'd been born mute; anything to avoid having said something to make him skip a beat before responding.
I won't go into the response, either. I heard it, I remember it. It's emblazoned in my mind. But it's really not important. Not to me, anyway.
All this to say that after that night, nothing was the same. It was very subtle, but I was always a fan of subtlety and if he was doing it consciously, he did it in the best way he could. He claimed not to remember that bit of conversation that night and I claimed to believe him. Why shouldn't I? He has no reason to lie, does he?
But I'll never forget my something stupid: the one time my 'gift of gab' and my unwavering bravery in the face of the unknown answer turned against me. My butterfly effect. My something stupid. My unwanted 'I love you.'
It's called "Something Stupid" and performed by Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman.
Ironic how I didn't recognize it at first listen, but how apropos it was and still is.
"And though its just a line to you, for me its true/ It never seemed so right before...
I practice every day to find some clever lines to say/ To make the meaning come through/ But then I think I'll wait until the evening gets late/ And I'm alone with you.
And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid
Like: I love you"
Not too long ago this was very much my story. I think back and realize that that inebriated but very clear 'I love you' was a turning point. I can't spend time going over all that's happened between the whispered words and now. But even now, the ripples are still going. Isn't that crazy? The theory of a butterfly effect. That everything has an effect on everything else and reverberates through time and across all boundaries.
So back to the topic at hand. I wouldn't classify myself as a 'gusher'. You know the gushers; those people that must remind you that they love you every time you speak. I don't have anything against them, mind you. Some of my greatest loves are gushers. But that just isn't me.
But I'm not afraid to say it, though. I only say it if I mean it and when I feel the words pressing against my throat to be released. The love is always there, but sometimes there's a moment or a thought that sends an overflow of love and I have to express it in a tangible way.
That's how it happened that one night. We were lying on the floor, in the dark, a little past buzzed but not quite drunk. I was staring out the window, watching the lightning, listening to the thunder, and wondering where the rain was. "What an odd storm", I thought to myself. And in that moment I couldn't help myself. I'll admit that I weighed the option of not saying it. But I realized it would be better to say it now and be able to pass it off as drunken affection, than if I held it in and it burst out at an awkward and uncomfortable juncture. Well, you know what I did next. But it's what he did next that shook me.
No.
It's what he didn't realize he did next that shook me. He stuttered. He wasn't speaking when it happened, but I felt it in the air, in his spirit, in his soul- like an electric crackle across my skin. An instantaneous pause, that I might have missed if it had been anyone but him. And, oh, how it hurt. I will never be able to deny that. That hiccup within himself made me wish I'd been born mute; anything to avoid having said something to make him skip a beat before responding.
I won't go into the response, either. I heard it, I remember it. It's emblazoned in my mind. But it's really not important. Not to me, anyway.
All this to say that after that night, nothing was the same. It was very subtle, but I was always a fan of subtlety and if he was doing it consciously, he did it in the best way he could. He claimed not to remember that bit of conversation that night and I claimed to believe him. Why shouldn't I? He has no reason to lie, does he?
But I'll never forget my something stupid: the one time my 'gift of gab' and my unwavering bravery in the face of the unknown answer turned against me. My butterfly effect. My something stupid. My unwanted 'I love you.'
17 December 2007
Solamente Hasta Finales Del Tiempo
I saw my life in HIS eyes. Of all the people I've encountered, I've only ever seen my future in the eyes of one. I'd never admit it to HIM and if pressed, I'd actively deny it. But there has only been HIM.
HIM waiting for me to walk up the aisle. HIM walking me back down. HIM gleefully announcing "our" pregnancy. HIM gripping my hand, whispering encouragement and little jokes, as our children are born. HIM cooking meals, cleaning house, disciplining children... and all with me. HE was my partner and my complement. It was with HIM I saw myself becoming an empty-nester and discovering wrinkles and gray hairs. With HIM my home would be filled with love and warmth; I'd feel safe. HIS eyes told me we'd sit in rocking chairs, just remembering. That we'd experience grandchildren. HIS eyes told me my future would be all I'd dreamed and so much more. Seeing all that warmed my heart, quickened my pulse, sweetened my voice and lifted my soul. I knew without a doubt, regardless of all else, that my future lay with HIM.
But then HE blinked. And I saw nothing at all.
HIM waiting for me to walk up the aisle. HIM walking me back down. HIM gleefully announcing "our" pregnancy. HIM gripping my hand, whispering encouragement and little jokes, as our children are born. HIM cooking meals, cleaning house, disciplining children... and all with me. HE was my partner and my complement. It was with HIM I saw myself becoming an empty-nester and discovering wrinkles and gray hairs. With HIM my home would be filled with love and warmth; I'd feel safe. HIS eyes told me we'd sit in rocking chairs, just remembering. That we'd experience grandchildren. HIS eyes told me my future would be all I'd dreamed and so much more. Seeing all that warmed my heart, quickened my pulse, sweetened my voice and lifted my soul. I knew without a doubt, regardless of all else, that my future lay with HIM.
But then HE blinked. And I saw nothing at all.
14 December 2007
Thoughts for Today
"Loneliness doesn't tell you what you lost, only that something was missing." -Unknown
"Above all, believe in true love and know that men are like shoes. A couple is like a left and a right foot, and out there is your perfect fit. Sometimes you need to change styles and shop around to find it. Sometimes you have to break styles in, sometimes you feel like something is unstylish but comfortable, and sometimes a style - as much as you like it - just doesn't suit you and will never fit."
- Camilla Morton, author how to walk in high heels: A GIRL'S GUIDE TO EVERYTHING
I came across these quotes today, hours apart, but they were so poignant, touched me so sincerely, and went so well together that I had to share them.
There is a lot of talk about singledom vs relationships, especially now that the holiday season has rolled around. I know there have been times when I've felt lonely, despite being surrounded by people. As a matter of fact, I rarely feel truly lonely when I'm alone. But when those lonely moments come, I can never figure out what or who, exactly, I'm missing. Now, that's not to say I only get lonely in terms of men. Sometimes I'm friend-lonesome or family-lonesome. I don't live close enough to any of them to see them on a regular basis, so time with them is always a special occasion.
Sometimes loneliness can make you lose hope and faith. In all relationships that are physical, personal, and spiritual. It's easy to fall into that trap, too. Trust me; I know.
The real reason loneliness hurts is because it's so personal. You can't imagine anyones else feeling the way you feel in that moment. How can they? But despite the strength of these feelings, it's important to remember that we are never alone. I know it's hard to believe and harder to remember.
Just remember that though your friends may not be close, your family may be away, and your love has yet to make an appearance, there is always Someone who wants to hear from you. He's always there, waiting for the opportunity to show you how much He loves you. Don't forget about Him. He'll never forget about you.
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