Cravings

"Have you ever craved someone so bad you could feel your heartbeat still... and they didn't crave you back?" -Darnella Ford

Tag! (Man, I miss that game!)

Double-damn! I get caught up in these all the time. LoL And, for the record, I literally had to rack my brain for blogging friends. Great.


Alright, if you can't read or are too lazy the rules are as follows:

1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

7 random and/or weird facts about me:


un: I love to write, but am terrified to leave the mainstream workforce and do it because I'm afraid I'd fail and have to move back in with my parents.

deux: I don't get the concept of a love connection in the club. Yes, we can dance. No, you can't have my number. You didn't even get my real name!

trois: I sometimes wonder which of my family members would be my friends/ speak to me if we weren't related.

quatre: I never look like it (I hope) but I spend A LOT of time out of the loop.

cinq: I'm a major sap, and cry to songs that remind me of lost love when I'm in my car.

six: I worry that I will turn out to be a coward so I pray each day that if I can't stand for God during the days of persecution, that He take my life so I can know I died faithful to Him.

sept: I judge you when you use poor grammar or misspell words. Yeah, I said it!

Thanks for the introspection... (Is that a word?)

These kids...

Every now and then I see something that just... pisses me off so badly I can't put it into words. I mean, I could cuss my life away, but frankly, I don't sound right when I do it and I believe that doing it in anger is a sign of ignorance.
Anyway, someone I knew posted the above posted video, and I realized I just had to say something.
What the *bleep* is going on here?
Why is it considered ok to do this anywhere? I'm sorry; I'm really too pissed and disgusted to go into lengthy pissivity. So, please, share your thoughts, comments, and concerns. Maybe I'll add more later.

Hoped

I had hoped the day we’d prayed against would come.

I’d hoped that forever saw an end, and we’d stand before it, smiling sad smiles that said “just a while” but meant “never again.”

I had hoped your face would go dull in my mind’s eye.

I’d hoped my memory would stumble and I might forget altogether.

I had hoped that you would fade into that place where sweet memories go, only to bubble up when times are murky and hard. When I need my spirit lifted by past joys because I can’t see any in the future.

I’d hoped you were replaceable.

Just another voice. Another smile. Another laugh. Another hug.

I had hoped all these things in the depth of my heart, where I knew happiness would not last.

And while I hoped, I dared to dream against myself. What kind of fool am I?

Sweetest Compliment

A few weeks ago, my roomie (Hi, Chy!) and I had a few people over for Sabbath lunch. We're both fairly new to the area, enjoy eating, and like people (most of the time lol). Anyway, we invited a fairly random jumble of people and one of them was one of my co-workers. Now, despite having met this co-worker a number of times, she never knew who I was. I mean, she knows Chy and two of my cousins, all of who have mentioned me by name. But, whatever, I chalk that up to a slacker memory on her part (haha). Ok, enough with the jokes.
So the co-worker comes in and goes,"Oh, you're Dana!" We all ("all" being those of us who knew the back story)laughed heartily. But as she continued on in her random confusion she said one of the things I will remember for my entire life. She said, "I knew you were a Christian. Just something about you." I didn't know what to say. I was, frankly, tickled pink. Truthfully, I don't believe I've ever heard anyone say that. And, as I mulled over it, I realized how proud I was that she'd been able to say that about me. I'd written a blog some time ago about how I wondered what people would say about me after I died. I wonder if my existence made a difference to anyone; if anyone saw me as a Christian. Well, I don't have the answers to all those questions, but I thank God for answering one. I've now officially received the sweetest compliment of my life. Thanks, you-know-who-you-are :)

Stop Being Scared

I'm not even sure where to begin so I'll just jump in.
My older sister has cancer. Breast cancer. She was diagnosed less than two years ago, when she was 29 and within the first month after diagnosis she had had a mastectomy. My sister and I, while we love each other, are not close for reason I won't disclose. So it wasn't until after the mastectomy that I even heard about the cancer. That hurt me a lot. But that hurt is not what this is about.
I am a church-hopper. I always have a membership somewhere, but I really enjoy going from one to church to another once I have a home church. I recently started doing repeat visits to a church that's in my general area. I loved the atmosphere in this church, so familial and full of love and simply couldn't resist going back. The sermons stirred me, the music soothed me. I was in love with a church family.
On my first visit to this church I saw a woman. In all honestly, there was nothing outlandishly remarkable about this woman. But maybe it was because I was sitting behind her or Jesus has a special something in mind for me. I felt so drawn to speak to her. I didn't know why I had to speak to her or what I would say. Plus, what if she thought I was crazy or something? No, I couldn't risk that. So I soaked myself into the service and ducked out as quickly as I could. But I couldn't shake the feeling that I had done wrong by not saying something to her aside from "Happy Sabbath." Every time I went back I saw her and the same urge shook me, but I was afraid to be judged and labeled, so I held back and swallowed the ugly feeling of not fulfilling what I knew I should.
Don't you know, I went back (of course, I did) and I felt so pressed to speak to her I could hardly wait for church to be over to have an opportunity to speak with her. I approached her after church and literally told her that I had no idea what to say to her, but that I definitely needed to speak with her. She said she appreciated my speaking and that she was just trying to deal with having breast cancer. So I just told her that my sister also had cancer and just graduated from law school less than two years after treatments and surgery and all. I told her to be encouraged and that I didn't know when I'd see her again, but that she'd be in my prayers every day. She thanked me again, and hugged me. I wished her a good week and left.
I felt so much better and lighter. And I realized that things are always so much better when you just do what God tells you. Moses and Aaron didn't know what words to use, but they were provided for them. Who am I to question God's reasons, to be afraid when He sends me to do His bidding?
So I guess what I'm trying to say is stop being scared. God's already got you.

It will be forever...

"When I fall in love, it will be forever. Or I'll never fall in love.
In a restless world like this is, love is ended before it's begun.
And too many moonlight kisses seem to cool in the warmth of the sun.

When I give my heart, it will be completely. Or I'll never give my heart
And the moment I can feel that you feel that way, too, is when I fall in love with you."

















I love this song. I really do. And the older I get, the more I live, the longer I love, the more it comes to mean to me. I know, some may say I'm a sap. And I might be. But I really don't care. Because what was true in a song first sung over 50 years ago is still true today.
I'll admit I'm a strange romantic. I was definitely the young girl who thought about her wedding and the names of her children (Thanks to the game of MASH). I imagined what my home would be like and general day to day life. But it never occurred to me to really think about my eventual husband. I mean, I always figured I'd have one, but I never put any real thought into it. It's probably because I really do believe that there is someone out there being formed just for me, just like I'm being formed just for him. And, at this point in my life, it's probably someone I already know or have already come across. I digress.
I never thought about love. And that's probably why it felt like it hit me unexpectedly. Ok. Get ready, 'cause I'm about to contradict myself a bit here. I decided to fall in love. I know that everyone talks about how love just hits you and all that jazz. But I made an actual decision to fall in love with the person I did. Of course, I didn't figure out how to climb out of love, but that's for another blog. I didn't so much pick the person or even the time, but I did make a mental decision that I was ready for love. Of course, that might have needed a little more forethought as to whether or not he was ready, or wanted, love. (He either wasn't or didn't).
So here's the point of all this roundabout chatter. I always knew I'd be for one. Just the one guy forever. That hasn't happened yet. But I'm thinking now that I might be involved in a snafu. I might have taken my one shot love and used it up. If that is the case (and, I don't actually know this for sure), then what's left? Sometimes I think that if I'd heard this song back when I'd decided to give my love (love, not sex) to him, I'd have decided otherwise. Probably not. He felt worth it then, feels worth it now, and I'm hedging he'll feel worth it until I can't feel anymore. Yes, he may turn out to never be worth it. But I fell in love and gave my heart, forever and completely. Too bad I didn't wait until I felt he felt the same way, too.

Wonderings

I saw her pictures. That girl he keeps assuring me is just a friend. The one he has to call for birthdays or random memories in the middle of the night, despite the fact that he's lying next to me. What could I say? He's known her years before he met me. But now this.
Her face, her body, her smile parading on the computer screen. Other people, too. But so many are of her. How many is too many pictures of an opposite sex friend? When does the molehill become a mountain?
This from the man who holds me tight, warms me from the cold, looks me deeply in my mind as if he's reading my soul. Does he talk to her during the witching hours of the night, allowing her voice to caress him like hands? Does he daydream about her while he's with me? Does he wish I was her?
Does my wondering so much mean I've already decided, and just don't know it?