Kiss of Death 2 of 2

I thought they were what I was after. The words that told me I was on my way... romantically, that is. I felt so fortunate to have received them. Now I realize how not-so-fortunate I was. Alright. In recent chatter, I realized a number of ladies aren't aware of what I'm about to share, so listen up closely.
Depending on your relationship status (ranging from stranger to long-term boyfriend), the following words can mean a number of things. Luckily, I'm here to let you know when it's safe and when it's a red flag.

"You're going to be such a great wife and mother."

"I can see myself happily married to you."

My personal favorite: "I think you're the mate I've prayed for my whole life." Tch. Asshole.

Added due to popular demand: "You're wifey material."

[Insert your own hint toward the long-term here]

I know, I know. These seem to be sweet words, meant to warm you on the nights when you maybe wonder if... you know. (Admit it, you've wondered). But, take my word for it, these words could be the beginning of the downward slope. See, if you hear this from a fiance', duh, he's not only thought and said these things but put a plan into action. A boyfriend or guy you're dating might be trying to gauge your reaction in order to plan his next move. A male friend that you have interest in/ has an interest in you? He's the most dangerous. Almost without fail this translates to "You're great but we are so not happening." If he's a stranger, you can chalk it up to an observational compliment and enjoy it.

Don't think that I'm sharing this because I'm jaded. I'm actually not. But, I have always been surprised when the men who told me these things then moved on to the next best woman {see previous blog}. Yes, it happened more than once.

The first time I was in a committed something, and was completely surprised by the sentiment, but pleased. I tried not to read too much into it, figuring if I clung too tightly it would slip away from me. *sarcastic laugh* Anyway, instead of building up, it just disappeared one day. Not a dwindling away or a falling apart. It just wasn't anymore.fuck
The second time around, I was a more cautious woman, avoiding a commitment altogether. I thought myself to be wiser and more realistic. I loved this guy, but wasn't head over heels like I'd been with Guy 1. I figured I'd play it smart and do my own thing. I was again pleased to hear those words, reminding myself that I'd stumbled before. And, again, it disappeared. I know. It seems inconceivable that the same thing would happen to me twice. The same way! And always, always, ALWAYS for another woman that seemed to crop out of nowhere. {related blog to follow}
While I learned a number of things from these encounters (the least of which is that long distance is not my thang), I've learned to beware words that make my heart feel fuzzy, hugs warmer, and kisses dizzying.



***WARNING*** This does not mean that ANYtime you hear such words from ANY man, he's bullsh!tting you. Hell, he might just be legit.

Step by Step 1 of 2

I watched "Good Luck Chuck" this weekend and loved it. Aside from being one of the more ridiculous funny movies I've seen in a while, it was randomly deep-ish. The movie is pretty much about this guy who is considered a good luck charm because everyone woman he's ever slept with has married the next guy she dates. Of course, the downside for the main character is that he meets a girl that can be the one and blah, blah, blah... watch the movie.
Anyway, there's a part where the main guy really breaks down his position in, well, life.

********Spoiler Alert**********

"My entire life, I've been nothing more than a stepping-stone to every relationship I've ever been in. There's always been a next guy who's better than me. For once in my life, I want to be that next guy."
*************************************************************************************
It occurred to me that I've been a stepping-stone, too. Always that last step to the great girl he can spend forever with. Weird how it was hilarious in the movie and not-so-hilarious in real life. Heck, sometimes I didn't even get to be the previous relationship. I was just the previous... experience. A long-term, nontitled... something.

Then, of course, I wandered to a different line of thought. I wondered which people considered themselves stepping-stones in my life. I certainly haven't leaped on the the step of forever-ness. But which ex or experience or whatever, shifted something in my story that has lead me to where I am now and where I will be.

I guess everything in life really is step by step. Ugh. Where are the rewind and fast forward?

Cravings

"Have you ever craved someone so bad you could feel your heartbeat still... and they didn't crave you back?" -Darnella Ford

Tag! (Man, I miss that game!)

Double-damn! I get caught up in these all the time. LoL And, for the record, I literally had to rack my brain for blogging friends. Great.


Alright, if you can't read or are too lazy the rules are as follows:

1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

7 random and/or weird facts about me:


un: I love to write, but am terrified to leave the mainstream workforce and do it because I'm afraid I'd fail and have to move back in with my parents.

deux: I don't get the concept of a love connection in the club. Yes, we can dance. No, you can't have my number. You didn't even get my real name!

trois: I sometimes wonder which of my family members would be my friends/ speak to me if we weren't related.

quatre: I never look like it (I hope) but I spend A LOT of time out of the loop.

cinq: I'm a major sap, and cry to songs that remind me of lost love when I'm in my car.

six: I worry that I will turn out to be a coward so I pray each day that if I can't stand for God during the days of persecution, that He take my life so I can know I died faithful to Him.

sept: I judge you when you use poor grammar or misspell words. Yeah, I said it!

Thanks for the introspection... (Is that a word?)

These kids...

Every now and then I see something that just... pisses me off so badly I can't put it into words. I mean, I could cuss my life away, but frankly, I don't sound right when I do it and I believe that doing it in anger is a sign of ignorance.
Anyway, someone I knew posted the above posted video, and I realized I just had to say something.
What the *bleep* is going on here?
Why is it considered ok to do this anywhere? I'm sorry; I'm really too pissed and disgusted to go into lengthy pissivity. So, please, share your thoughts, comments, and concerns. Maybe I'll add more later.

Hoped

I had hoped the day we’d prayed against would come.

I’d hoped that forever saw an end, and we’d stand before it, smiling sad smiles that said “just a while” but meant “never again.”

I had hoped your face would go dull in my mind’s eye.

I’d hoped my memory would stumble and I might forget altogether.

I had hoped that you would fade into that place where sweet memories go, only to bubble up when times are murky and hard. When I need my spirit lifted by past joys because I can’t see any in the future.

I’d hoped you were replaceable.

Just another voice. Another smile. Another laugh. Another hug.

I had hoped all these things in the depth of my heart, where I knew happiness would not last.

And while I hoped, I dared to dream against myself. What kind of fool am I?

Sweetest Compliment

A few weeks ago, my roomie (Hi, Chy!) and I had a few people over for Sabbath lunch. We're both fairly new to the area, enjoy eating, and like people (most of the time lol). Anyway, we invited a fairly random jumble of people and one of them was one of my co-workers. Now, despite having met this co-worker a number of times, she never knew who I was. I mean, she knows Chy and two of my cousins, all of who have mentioned me by name. But, whatever, I chalk that up to a slacker memory on her part (haha). Ok, enough with the jokes.
So the co-worker comes in and goes,"Oh, you're Dana!" We all ("all" being those of us who knew the back story)laughed heartily. But as she continued on in her random confusion she said one of the things I will remember for my entire life. She said, "I knew you were a Christian. Just something about you." I didn't know what to say. I was, frankly, tickled pink. Truthfully, I don't believe I've ever heard anyone say that. And, as I mulled over it, I realized how proud I was that she'd been able to say that about me. I'd written a blog some time ago about how I wondered what people would say about me after I died. I wonder if my existence made a difference to anyone; if anyone saw me as a Christian. Well, I don't have the answers to all those questions, but I thank God for answering one. I've now officially received the sweetest compliment of my life. Thanks, you-know-who-you-are :)

Stop Being Scared

I'm not even sure where to begin so I'll just jump in.
My older sister has cancer. Breast cancer. She was diagnosed less than two years ago, when she was 29 and within the first month after diagnosis she had had a mastectomy. My sister and I, while we love each other, are not close for reason I won't disclose. So it wasn't until after the mastectomy that I even heard about the cancer. That hurt me a lot. But that hurt is not what this is about.
I am a church-hopper. I always have a membership somewhere, but I really enjoy going from one to church to another once I have a home church. I recently started doing repeat visits to a church that's in my general area. I loved the atmosphere in this church, so familial and full of love and simply couldn't resist going back. The sermons stirred me, the music soothed me. I was in love with a church family.
On my first visit to this church I saw a woman. In all honestly, there was nothing outlandishly remarkable about this woman. But maybe it was because I was sitting behind her or Jesus has a special something in mind for me. I felt so drawn to speak to her. I didn't know why I had to speak to her or what I would say. Plus, what if she thought I was crazy or something? No, I couldn't risk that. So I soaked myself into the service and ducked out as quickly as I could. But I couldn't shake the feeling that I had done wrong by not saying something to her aside from "Happy Sabbath." Every time I went back I saw her and the same urge shook me, but I was afraid to be judged and labeled, so I held back and swallowed the ugly feeling of not fulfilling what I knew I should.
Don't you know, I went back (of course, I did) and I felt so pressed to speak to her I could hardly wait for church to be over to have an opportunity to speak with her. I approached her after church and literally told her that I had no idea what to say to her, but that I definitely needed to speak with her. She said she appreciated my speaking and that she was just trying to deal with having breast cancer. So I just told her that my sister also had cancer and just graduated from law school less than two years after treatments and surgery and all. I told her to be encouraged and that I didn't know when I'd see her again, but that she'd be in my prayers every day. She thanked me again, and hugged me. I wished her a good week and left.
I felt so much better and lighter. And I realized that things are always so much better when you just do what God tells you. Moses and Aaron didn't know what words to use, but they were provided for them. Who am I to question God's reasons, to be afraid when He sends me to do His bidding?
So I guess what I'm trying to say is stop being scared. God's already got you.