Soap Bubbles

A trail of soap bubbles trickled toward my navel as he dragged the washcloth over my breasts. I smiled, more to myself than at him, luxuriating in the feeling of being bathed. Of being bathed by him. Something about how tenderly he cared for me in the most intimate of ways. Standing in the shower, surrounded by drifts of steam, it felt like it was just the two of us. We didn’t even have to speak; he just nudged whatever body part he wanted or needed me to move. He pulled me against him, scrubbing my back in circles. If we’d been anywhere but the shower, the move might have been the beginning of a sexual interlude. But our showers were sacred, time we took just to appreciate each other’s bodies outside of sex.
I looked down at the top of his head as he kneeled to wash my nether regions. I literally felt my love for him washing over me, warmer, thicker, richer, and stronger that the water that rinsed me as he washed. I felt his words before he began to speak. “Lai.” He made my name sound like a question, and the lack of surety caught my attention. I hummed a response, maintaining my peace. “I think we should… pull back for a while.” I kept my face neutral as I felt the first pinch of pain. I hoped my voice was steadier than it felt, “Any particular reason?”

I couldn’t figure out what puling back might entail considering our current, uh, arrangement. We weren’t even dating casually. We were, however, having very serious, very frequent, very exclusive sex.

Too much time was trailing between my question and his answer. For a moment I wondered if I’d even asked it out loud. “No,” he finally answered, “I just thought we’d try something. That ok?”

It wasn’t, but I nodded my assent, anyway. He stood and hugged me, our skin slipping and sliding against the sudsy water between us. I leaned my head back to look at him as he murmured, “Don’t worry. We’re just trying something.” I wasn’t sure which of us he was trying to reassure, but I didn’t bother asking, either. He kissed my forehead, the tip of my nose, my lips and my chin in the way he knew I loved. I smiled for him, just for him, and turned to rinse myself off, then him. That was the last shower we shared.

Three weeks later, he ended what we had and what we didn’t have. I cried for an eternity. Taking a shower could bring on a fresh batch of tears and launch me into a crying jag that could last for hours. I sometimes look back and ask myself what I’d done wrong. Had I loved him too hard, causing him to slip away rather than burst like a caught balloon? Was I too compliant, too willing to do whatever it took to keep us happy? Did I demand too little, offering my all and accepting the tiniest bit of him in return? Even now I find myself wondering these things. He long since moved on. Became attached to a woman he found more worthy of what he had to give, a woman I wanted to hate. And I, the believer in eternal endings and glorious goodbyes, hoped foolish hopes. Spent my time watching, waiting, dreaming, and thinking about soap bubbles.

Green Shirt

I saw him from the corner of my eye, body moving to the pulsing beat. I turned my head in his direction, keeping my gaze traveling while watching him the entire time. His green button down shirt blazed under his vest, while his sunglasses gleamed from the back of his head. Yes, the back of his head. Still, I was intrigued. His height and slender build fit my type, and his bright skin tone was icing on the cake. I kept my groove, exchanging comments with my girls and dancing as the rhythm moved me. As was my ritual when I was in the spot, I traveled the building, pausing in various spots to enjoy the atmosphere.

Despite my meanderings, I kept seeing him. I was unsure whether it was my group was following his, his group following mine, or simply kismet. In time the inevitable occurred, the two groups melding into one, gyrating and undulating to the throb of the music as the flashing lights made everything more mysterious and enticing. We talked (loudly), danced (mmm), laughed, wandered the city. Best of all, this man, no, these fellas were Southern gentlemen.

Where you from-What's your name- How old are you (Gotta keep an eye out for jail bait).

The classic leave behind- The hilarity of Jim Carrey- the blatant hating on celebrities and their damn cribs. Good times.

Offers for beverages (alcoholic and otherwise) and seriously JUMBO slices of pizza, toned down sexual overtures, genuinely good conversation and that almost imperceptible drawl.

Damn.
I didn't know how much I'd missed a good ol' country boy. Mmm, yes.

Shout out to the fruit of North Carolina, Western Carolina University (just heard of y'all), but definitely not them Panthers that got whooped by the Giants ;)

Liar, Liar

Everyone lies. Maybe not often, maybe for the "right" reasons. But it happens. Years ago I figured there were only two reasons for lying.

Reason #1: You are afraid of the consequences of the truth, either the ones that affect you or the person you're lying to.

Reason #2: You're too lazy to explain the truth.

Don't bother wondering. Yes, it includes all lies even the little white ones and the ones you tell to protect another's feelings or position.
Now I've explained this theory to quite a few people and get a lot of different reactions. But, most people were pissed. I'm sure they were trying to determine whether their last lie was the product of fear or laziness. *smirk*
I'd be lying if I said that I don't lie anymore. I definitely fall into the laziness arena although I did catch myself lying out of fear. I actually laughed aloud when I realized I was doing and then backtracked and told the truth. Still, I did start the lie so I guess it counts.

I guess you'll be thinking more on the next lie you tell, huh? Well, before you do that, tell me about the LAST lie you told :)

Marriage Question

I actually have a number (the number is 3) of blogs waiting for me to complete them, but this thing crossed my mind so... enjoy.

I sent an email a few months ago to a gaggle of people. It happened that I got 6 responses: 3 males, 3 females, and a mix of Christians and non. Just thought I'd share the demographics with you. Below you'll find the article (the link doesn't go directly to it anymore). The responses from folks who's opinions I respect are also below. (Kept anonymous, of course). Please feel free to add your thoughts.

Why Guys Marry Some Girls (but Not Others)

All men have a secret wedding checklist: five traits they look for in a woman that say she's worth walking down the aisle for. He won't pop the question without 'em.

By Beth Whiffen


It happens all the time: A guy spends months, even years, in a long-term relationship with a girl he really digs. But after dropping the I-don't-see-myself-ever- getting-married bomb, he suddenly turns around and ties the knot with a new chick. The factors that tip a dude from steady relationship to "till death do us part" seem like the ultimate unsolved mystery ... especially when you're in a solid LTR and aren't sure if your guy is even considering marriage.
It all comes down to some elusive qualities women have a hard time understanding but men are always on the lookout for, explains Willard Harley Jr., Ph.D., author of I Promise You: Preparing for a Marriage That Will Last a Lifetime. "Part of what makes him want to get married is chemistry and passion, but it's also about certain actions and behaviors that are more concrete than you'd think," says Harley. Below, we clue you in to five crucial traits that separate the girls men date from the ones who make them want to set a date.

Tie-the-Knot-Trait 1: She's Exciting and Always Evolving

You know how every season finale of your favorite TV show ends with a million unanswered questions and you can't freaking wait for the next one? Well, a girl can give her guy that same thrilling mix of exhilaration and anticipation by surprising him.
"She does this by being spontaneous and a little unpredictable, taking on new interests all the time, and revealing different facets of herself," explains Alon Gratch, Ph.D., author of If Love Could Think. By never letting life get static, this woman busts the myth that being married means feeling humdrum. "She makes being with her an adventure, as if there's always a new
idea or activity just around the bend," says Gratch.

"With most of my girlfriends, I feared that we'd run out of things to talk about if we spent too much time together. But when I met my fiancée, Gwen, I kept discovering new layers to her. One day she came home from work with a stack of cookbooks; the next week she told me stories about how she loved designing outfits in high school. She's full of small surprises." —Brett, 29

"I dated a lot of girls who liked pushing boundaries, but it all seemed a little forced. My wife's sense of adventure, however, comes from within. She's naturally driven to challenge herself by trying new things. That's the kind of girl you want to marry. If you aren't continually fascinated by each other, it won't last." —Rob, 38

"The thing that makes my fiancée so captivating: She takes risks. I don't mean she bungee jumps off bridges. It's more that when a new opportunity comes along — a different facet to her job or the chance to meet new people at an event or party — she grabs it and proceeds. Her boldness makes her enchanting." —Bob, 27

Tie-the-Knot-Trait 2: She Really, Really Loves Sex

No big shocker here — a chick who enjoys twisting the sheets will always have a hopping social life. But when a woman makes the effort to have really connected sex that involves both body and mind, she goes from great girlfriend to marriage material in his view.
"Men crave sex that's erotic, but they also want sex that makes them feel deeply bonded," says Gratch. In other words, it's not all about wowing a guy with pretzel-like positions; a big part of having amazing booty is paying close attention to his mind-set and moods during the deed so sex reaches a higher, almost spiritual level.
Another thing that makes them think of the M word: when a woman is actively committed to keeping the passion on high boil. "A guy's biggest fear is that the great sex that made him think you were The One will fall by the wayside," explains Douglas Weiss, Ph.D., author of The 7 Love Agreements: Decisions You Can Make on Your Own to Strengthen Your Marriage. "A woman who puts effort into maintaining that sizzle is a dream come true."

"To make sure that the awesome sex we had when we first met didn't lose its passion, my wife came up with this idea for regular ‘sex bets.' For example, she'd bet me that I couldn't make her climax several times in a row, or I'd challenge her to initiate action in a semipublic spot. We have never fallen into a rut, and our competition keeps us feeling connected." —Jamie, 30

"My fiancée did this terrific thing when we first started having sex: After we were finished, she'd tell me how good I made her feel, that she really liked how I felt against her skin. It made me want to tell her what I liked too. Guys aren't supposed to admit it, but opening up about how sex affects us emotionally actually enhances the physical side of things." —Paul, 28

"My fiancée was up-front from the start about her desire for an extremely satisfying sex life; she never had any hang-ups about taking charge in bed or proposing out-there activities that a lot of women would be afraid to admit they were curious about. I could tell I wasn't getting ensnared in the classic bait-and-switch marriage that so many guys fall into — you know, when the action slows to a halt a year after you become husband and wife." —Russ, 34

Tie-the-Knot-Trait 3: She Makes It Clear He's Not Her Entire Life

It's flattering to a guy to realize that his girl thinks the world of him, but it's less appealing when he gets the impression that he is her world. That's why a girlfriend who retains her independence and sense of self, even as the relationship takes a serious turn, has definite wife appeal.
"A woman who depends on a man for her sense of fulfillment is a scary thing for a guy," says Gratch. "Men don't want to feel smothered or totally responsible for their partner's day-to-day happiness." The guy ideal: a chick who views coupledom as a solid partnership in which both she and her man still have separate identities.

"Before we were married, Jess would go out with her group of friends a lot, which I later became a part of. But she didn't put all of her focus on me. She made it clear that she was there to hang out with them. I really liked the fact that she wasn't the type of girl who ditches her girlfriends when she meets a guy. It made me confident that she'd always have her own life outside our relationship." —Sam, 33

"She definitely makes time for me so we can do things as boyfriend and girlfriend, but my fiancée also keeps up her own life. She has a weekly dinner with college friends, an art class every Thursday night, plus the responsibilities of her job as a journalist. I like that she doesn't check with me first to see what I want to do and she doesn't offer to bail out of an event or night out with pals in favor of always being with me." —Charles, 35

Tie-the-Knot-Trait 4: ...Yet She Still Conveys How Very Important He Is to Her

Okay, so men dig independent chicks. But there's a fine line between being independent and acting aloof and detached. Guys settle down with a woman who regularly reveals her tender side and shows him that no matter what happens, she's got his back.
"Men view life as a struggle or war that they're fighting, and they want someone who'll be on their side at all times, through thick and thin," says Gratch. "This doesn't mean that a woman should mother him or assist him with every little detail of his life; it's more about consistently doing small, nurturing things that let him know you really care."
A couple of examples: Bringing him a treat when he tells you he isn't feeling well or complimenting his brilliance after he finishes a stressful work project. "These gestures are tiny, but they reassure a man that his girl is solidly on his team," says Gratch.

"When we first started becoming a serious couple, my fiancé accepted a new job that required a lot of travel and attention. Still, even from hotels across the country, she took the time to call and check in on how my day was going and e-mail me little messages. She even stocked my refrigerator with beer and sandwiches before she'd leave on another trip. Her concern and thoughtfulness helped push our relationship to a higher level." —David, 28

"Every so often, my in-laws and I will get into an argument. But from the very first one, my wife has always respectfully defended me, and this made me want to be with her forever. She loves her parents and values their opinions, of course, and she and I don't always see eye to eye. Yet no matter what the issue is, she still lets her family know that she's sticking by me. This is a big thing for guys. I know it sounds ridiculous, but men tend to see themselves as misunderstood lone wolves."-Alan, 30

Tie-the-Knot-Trait 5: She Wants Him to Be the Best Man He Can Be

Men don't secretly want their girlfriends to bark orders at them like a drill sergeant. It's more about helping him reach his potential by actively supporting his goals, even pushing him a teensy bit so he can succeed in whatever he does.
"Young guys tend to try to get away with as little as possible, and a lot of women let them, thinking that it would be out of line to challenge their man," says Harley. "But a man admires a woman who encourages him to shape up and toe the line ... as long as she has his best interests in mind and isn't trying to mold him."
This also means calling his bluff and not letting him get away with slacking off. "Even though it might seem like tough love at the time, she helps him achieve and accomplish things, and deep down he appreciates her for that," says Harley.

"Before we got engaged, the woman who is now my fiancé told me that she thought I was drinking too much, working too hard, and not taking care of myself. Ouch. But when I actually took in what she said, I knew that she was right and she was looking out for me. No other girlfriend had ever been so honest." —Ryan, 29

"I wasn't on speaking terms with my father for years, and when I told my girlfriend this and that I just didn't care about having a relationship with him anymore, she didn't nod sympathetically. She made me call him and work things out because she knew I'd eventually regret it if I didn't. She had the guts to disagree with me about something most women wouldn't want to get involved in." —Shawn, 31
____________________________________________________________________

RESPONSES

1. "this is basic calm and sense on how to keep a man or marry him ... we as human beings are too complex to be subjected down to just 5 points or x amount of chapters in a book... The same way God works in mysterious ways well we were created in his image so its only fair to say we to are mysteries. So to tell you the truth your list of how to marry a man or women should be narrowed down to one thing. Do they know And love God... Because he represents all those things on that 5 point list and more.... but just to announce that you know and love him will eliminate huge stupid lists and help you to decide for yourself if that person is right for you" -Guy 1

2. "The article is valid but what feedback are you looking for?I think it's a new day for women to be spontaneous without being fast...a 21st century thinker with 20th century values and morals....a mover and a shaker who will stand by her man.... Think of what you'd like in a person and try being that person....challenging....." -Gal 1

3. "I don't think all men would agree with this list. It sounds like something straight out of Cosmo from 1997, that you pick up at the dentist office when you're waiting to be seen. I personally think Freud was dead on when it came to relationships and childhood. I think most men, whether they are willing to admit to it or not are looking for "mom" or they want to be "mothered." If they had a negative experience with mom, or the mom figure, they are going to spend their lives looking for a woman who can be the "perfect" mom in their eyes or if they had a positive experience, they want a woman who is exactly like her--sometimes down to her physical traits. No man wants to marry a whore, so saying things like, "oh I want her to be a freak" is nonsense. They don't even want their wives, for the most part, to be that skilled in bed. It's good to spice things up but when the wife is asking them if they want to use a dildo instead, they run for the hills.

I've noticed that when a man spends a long time with you in a committed LTR, then he leaves you and marries the next woman he comes across, that new woman either looks like you, or has most or all of your traits. It seems that if something negative happened between the two of you, he can't get past it and wants a more "perfect" form of you.

Not all men are bad and when it's right, it's right 110%. Sometimes women have to notice signs and signals that he isn't going to take the relationship to the next level and have that discussion. Just so neither spend years, wasting time and energy in a relationship that won't get off the ground. Everyone deserves to be happy and will find that right mate, they just need to spend the time building the confidence to walk away when it's not right and stand up for the important stuff. Tyler Perry actually has a great quote, it's from one of his plays--"Media Goes to Jail," I think. I'm paraphrasing but the jist of it was learning to let people go and how your life is like a tree. There are many branches and a number of roots and we have to learn that some branches need to be pruned every so often, i.e. letting people go, and that some branches will produce fruit or leaves. It's a great quote when I come across it again, I'm going to make copies and post it everywhere. " -Gal 2

4."It's about time that we stopped looking for answers in all the wrong places. Man never had the answers and never will have the answers. Trying to satisfy a man in order to have what he is looking for to become his wife is quite ridiculous. While we all may fall short and listen to the "gurus" and "experts"... truth is they really have no idea aout what they are talking about. When you want to know about your car you read the manual and speak to someone who is knowledgeable. We as a people were given domion over animals and not man. We sometimes do not fully understand ourselves let alone another person. A woman's heart should be soo lost in God, that a man has to find God in order to find her and vice versa. Let's stop trying to be perfect for him and redefine our relationship with God and be in complete love with him first and ALLL these things will be added unto us! Hope this is beneficial"
-Gal 3

5. "I think that this article is very accurate. The questions vary, but those 5 tips will help you go very very far. If a girl did all of those things, it would make me consider her for a wife. I like the bullet around wanting your man to be his best. Not the picture that you have in your head of his best, but HIS best. I normally think most articles like this are supperficial bull shit, but I resonate with this one. Thanks for sharing" -Guy 2

6. "I think these are pretty general attributes that any man wants in a good woman. I guess I agree. I haven't seen anything in there too out of touch with reality." -Guy 3

Kiss of Death 2 of 2

I thought they were what I was after. The words that told me I was on my way... romantically, that is. I felt so fortunate to have received them. Now I realize how not-so-fortunate I was. Alright. In recent chatter, I realized a number of ladies aren't aware of what I'm about to share, so listen up closely.
Depending on your relationship status (ranging from stranger to long-term boyfriend), the following words can mean a number of things. Luckily, I'm here to let you know when it's safe and when it's a red flag.

"You're going to be such a great wife and mother."

"I can see myself happily married to you."

My personal favorite: "I think you're the mate I've prayed for my whole life." Tch. Asshole.

Added due to popular demand: "You're wifey material."

[Insert your own hint toward the long-term here]

I know, I know. These seem to be sweet words, meant to warm you on the nights when you maybe wonder if... you know. (Admit it, you've wondered). But, take my word for it, these words could be the beginning of the downward slope. See, if you hear this from a fiance', duh, he's not only thought and said these things but put a plan into action. A boyfriend or guy you're dating might be trying to gauge your reaction in order to plan his next move. A male friend that you have interest in/ has an interest in you? He's the most dangerous. Almost without fail this translates to "You're great but we are so not happening." If he's a stranger, you can chalk it up to an observational compliment and enjoy it.

Don't think that I'm sharing this because I'm jaded. I'm actually not. But, I have always been surprised when the men who told me these things then moved on to the next best woman {see previous blog}. Yes, it happened more than once.

The first time I was in a committed something, and was completely surprised by the sentiment, but pleased. I tried not to read too much into it, figuring if I clung too tightly it would slip away from me. *sarcastic laugh* Anyway, instead of building up, it just disappeared one day. Not a dwindling away or a falling apart. It just wasn't anymore.fuck
The second time around, I was a more cautious woman, avoiding a commitment altogether. I thought myself to be wiser and more realistic. I loved this guy, but wasn't head over heels like I'd been with Guy 1. I figured I'd play it smart and do my own thing. I was again pleased to hear those words, reminding myself that I'd stumbled before. And, again, it disappeared. I know. It seems inconceivable that the same thing would happen to me twice. The same way! And always, always, ALWAYS for another woman that seemed to crop out of nowhere. {related blog to follow}
While I learned a number of things from these encounters (the least of which is that long distance is not my thang), I've learned to beware words that make my heart feel fuzzy, hugs warmer, and kisses dizzying.



***WARNING*** This does not mean that ANYtime you hear such words from ANY man, he's bullsh!tting you. Hell, he might just be legit.

Step by Step 1 of 2

I watched "Good Luck Chuck" this weekend and loved it. Aside from being one of the more ridiculous funny movies I've seen in a while, it was randomly deep-ish. The movie is pretty much about this guy who is considered a good luck charm because everyone woman he's ever slept with has married the next guy she dates. Of course, the downside for the main character is that he meets a girl that can be the one and blah, blah, blah... watch the movie.
Anyway, there's a part where the main guy really breaks down his position in, well, life.

********Spoiler Alert**********

"My entire life, I've been nothing more than a stepping-stone to every relationship I've ever been in. There's always been a next guy who's better than me. For once in my life, I want to be that next guy."
*************************************************************************************
It occurred to me that I've been a stepping-stone, too. Always that last step to the great girl he can spend forever with. Weird how it was hilarious in the movie and not-so-hilarious in real life. Heck, sometimes I didn't even get to be the previous relationship. I was just the previous... experience. A long-term, nontitled... something.

Then, of course, I wandered to a different line of thought. I wondered which people considered themselves stepping-stones in my life. I certainly haven't leaped on the the step of forever-ness. But which ex or experience or whatever, shifted something in my story that has lead me to where I am now and where I will be.

I guess everything in life really is step by step. Ugh. Where are the rewind and fast forward?

Cravings

"Have you ever craved someone so bad you could feel your heartbeat still... and they didn't crave you back?" -Darnella Ford

Tag! (Man, I miss that game!)

Double-damn! I get caught up in these all the time. LoL And, for the record, I literally had to rack my brain for blogging friends. Great.


Alright, if you can't read or are too lazy the rules are as follows:

1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know that they've been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

7 random and/or weird facts about me:


un: I love to write, but am terrified to leave the mainstream workforce and do it because I'm afraid I'd fail and have to move back in with my parents.

deux: I don't get the concept of a love connection in the club. Yes, we can dance. No, you can't have my number. You didn't even get my real name!

trois: I sometimes wonder which of my family members would be my friends/ speak to me if we weren't related.

quatre: I never look like it (I hope) but I spend A LOT of time out of the loop.

cinq: I'm a major sap, and cry to songs that remind me of lost love when I'm in my car.

six: I worry that I will turn out to be a coward so I pray each day that if I can't stand for God during the days of persecution, that He take my life so I can know I died faithful to Him.

sept: I judge you when you use poor grammar or misspell words. Yeah, I said it!

Thanks for the introspection... (Is that a word?)

These kids...

Every now and then I see something that just... pisses me off so badly I can't put it into words. I mean, I could cuss my life away, but frankly, I don't sound right when I do it and I believe that doing it in anger is a sign of ignorance.
Anyway, someone I knew posted the above posted video, and I realized I just had to say something.
What the *bleep* is going on here?
Why is it considered ok to do this anywhere? I'm sorry; I'm really too pissed and disgusted to go into lengthy pissivity. So, please, share your thoughts, comments, and concerns. Maybe I'll add more later.

Hoped

I had hoped the day we’d prayed against would come.

I’d hoped that forever saw an end, and we’d stand before it, smiling sad smiles that said “just a while” but meant “never again.”

I had hoped your face would go dull in my mind’s eye.

I’d hoped my memory would stumble and I might forget altogether.

I had hoped that you would fade into that place where sweet memories go, only to bubble up when times are murky and hard. When I need my spirit lifted by past joys because I can’t see any in the future.

I’d hoped you were replaceable.

Just another voice. Another smile. Another laugh. Another hug.

I had hoped all these things in the depth of my heart, where I knew happiness would not last.

And while I hoped, I dared to dream against myself. What kind of fool am I?

Sweetest Compliment

A few weeks ago, my roomie (Hi, Chy!) and I had a few people over for Sabbath lunch. We're both fairly new to the area, enjoy eating, and like people (most of the time lol). Anyway, we invited a fairly random jumble of people and one of them was one of my co-workers. Now, despite having met this co-worker a number of times, she never knew who I was. I mean, she knows Chy and two of my cousins, all of who have mentioned me by name. But, whatever, I chalk that up to a slacker memory on her part (haha). Ok, enough with the jokes.
So the co-worker comes in and goes,"Oh, you're Dana!" We all ("all" being those of us who knew the back story)laughed heartily. But as she continued on in her random confusion she said one of the things I will remember for my entire life. She said, "I knew you were a Christian. Just something about you." I didn't know what to say. I was, frankly, tickled pink. Truthfully, I don't believe I've ever heard anyone say that. And, as I mulled over it, I realized how proud I was that she'd been able to say that about me. I'd written a blog some time ago about how I wondered what people would say about me after I died. I wonder if my existence made a difference to anyone; if anyone saw me as a Christian. Well, I don't have the answers to all those questions, but I thank God for answering one. I've now officially received the sweetest compliment of my life. Thanks, you-know-who-you-are :)

Stop Being Scared

I'm not even sure where to begin so I'll just jump in.
My older sister has cancer. Breast cancer. She was diagnosed less than two years ago, when she was 29 and within the first month after diagnosis she had had a mastectomy. My sister and I, while we love each other, are not close for reason I won't disclose. So it wasn't until after the mastectomy that I even heard about the cancer. That hurt me a lot. But that hurt is not what this is about.
I am a church-hopper. I always have a membership somewhere, but I really enjoy going from one to church to another once I have a home church. I recently started doing repeat visits to a church that's in my general area. I loved the atmosphere in this church, so familial and full of love and simply couldn't resist going back. The sermons stirred me, the music soothed me. I was in love with a church family.
On my first visit to this church I saw a woman. In all honestly, there was nothing outlandishly remarkable about this woman. But maybe it was because I was sitting behind her or Jesus has a special something in mind for me. I felt so drawn to speak to her. I didn't know why I had to speak to her or what I would say. Plus, what if she thought I was crazy or something? No, I couldn't risk that. So I soaked myself into the service and ducked out as quickly as I could. But I couldn't shake the feeling that I had done wrong by not saying something to her aside from "Happy Sabbath." Every time I went back I saw her and the same urge shook me, but I was afraid to be judged and labeled, so I held back and swallowed the ugly feeling of not fulfilling what I knew I should.
Don't you know, I went back (of course, I did) and I felt so pressed to speak to her I could hardly wait for church to be over to have an opportunity to speak with her. I approached her after church and literally told her that I had no idea what to say to her, but that I definitely needed to speak with her. She said she appreciated my speaking and that she was just trying to deal with having breast cancer. So I just told her that my sister also had cancer and just graduated from law school less than two years after treatments and surgery and all. I told her to be encouraged and that I didn't know when I'd see her again, but that she'd be in my prayers every day. She thanked me again, and hugged me. I wished her a good week and left.
I felt so much better and lighter. And I realized that things are always so much better when you just do what God tells you. Moses and Aaron didn't know what words to use, but they were provided for them. Who am I to question God's reasons, to be afraid when He sends me to do His bidding?
So I guess what I'm trying to say is stop being scared. God's already got you.

It will be forever...

"When I fall in love, it will be forever. Or I'll never fall in love.
In a restless world like this is, love is ended before it's begun.
And too many moonlight kisses seem to cool in the warmth of the sun.

When I give my heart, it will be completely. Or I'll never give my heart
And the moment I can feel that you feel that way, too, is when I fall in love with you."

















I love this song. I really do. And the older I get, the more I live, the longer I love, the more it comes to mean to me. I know, some may say I'm a sap. And I might be. But I really don't care. Because what was true in a song first sung over 50 years ago is still true today.
I'll admit I'm a strange romantic. I was definitely the young girl who thought about her wedding and the names of her children (Thanks to the game of MASH). I imagined what my home would be like and general day to day life. But it never occurred to me to really think about my eventual husband. I mean, I always figured I'd have one, but I never put any real thought into it. It's probably because I really do believe that there is someone out there being formed just for me, just like I'm being formed just for him. And, at this point in my life, it's probably someone I already know or have already come across. I digress.
I never thought about love. And that's probably why it felt like it hit me unexpectedly. Ok. Get ready, 'cause I'm about to contradict myself a bit here. I decided to fall in love. I know that everyone talks about how love just hits you and all that jazz. But I made an actual decision to fall in love with the person I did. Of course, I didn't figure out how to climb out of love, but that's for another blog. I didn't so much pick the person or even the time, but I did make a mental decision that I was ready for love. Of course, that might have needed a little more forethought as to whether or not he was ready, or wanted, love. (He either wasn't or didn't).
So here's the point of all this roundabout chatter. I always knew I'd be for one. Just the one guy forever. That hasn't happened yet. But I'm thinking now that I might be involved in a snafu. I might have taken my one shot love and used it up. If that is the case (and, I don't actually know this for sure), then what's left? Sometimes I think that if I'd heard this song back when I'd decided to give my love (love, not sex) to him, I'd have decided otherwise. Probably not. He felt worth it then, feels worth it now, and I'm hedging he'll feel worth it until I can't feel anymore. Yes, he may turn out to never be worth it. But I fell in love and gave my heart, forever and completely. Too bad I didn't wait until I felt he felt the same way, too.

Wonderings

I saw her pictures. That girl he keeps assuring me is just a friend. The one he has to call for birthdays or random memories in the middle of the night, despite the fact that he's lying next to me. What could I say? He's known her years before he met me. But now this.
Her face, her body, her smile parading on the computer screen. Other people, too. But so many are of her. How many is too many pictures of an opposite sex friend? When does the molehill become a mountain?
This from the man who holds me tight, warms me from the cold, looks me deeply in my mind as if he's reading my soul. Does he talk to her during the witching hours of the night, allowing her voice to caress him like hands? Does he daydream about her while he's with me? Does he wish I was her?
Does my wondering so much mean I've already decided, and just don't know it?

She Said

I was sitting in the middle of my bed, legs crossed, trying to concentrate on the book I was reading. I probably should have been studying for the test I would be having the next day, but my mind was craving some real fiction (yes, real fiction) and I refused give it statistics in lieu of it's true want.
Try as I might, I couldn't focus on the book. One of my roommates was chatting not so quietly with her boyfriend while another was talking to me. Was the open book in my hands not an indication that I'd rather not listen to either of them? Well, I'd chosen to have two roomies; one on the left and one one the right. So this must be my punishment for not thinking things all the way through.
Evidently Right-Side roomie said something I was supposed to respond to, because there was a pregnant pause. Actually, the moment was quieter than it ought to have been. I looked at Left-Side roomie and she was looking at me, too. What had been said that I'd missed while purposely ignoring them both?
"Sorry, what," I asked.
Left-Side roomie ended her phone call and rolled over to join in the conversation. Man, it must've been a doozy.
"I said,"continued right-side,"you only want him because he's taken. If he were single, you wouldn't look at him twice. You're just one of those kinds of girls. You'll always want someone else's man and he'll never be yours."
I sat perplexed. "Wait, what?" I couldn't have heard what my brain was telling me I had. But I had, because she repeated it again and much more slowly.
A million cutting words slipped to the edge of my tongue and I inhaled in preparation to slice into Right-Side as if I'd been saving up my entire life for this moment. Left-Side interjected quickly,"You don't know what the hell you're talking about."
That was all it took to bring me back to the reality of the moment. This girl didn't know me. She didn't know the guy in reference. And she didn't know anything about our relationship except that we knew each other and talked a lot.
Still. Those words burned into my memory. What did it say about me that someone who didn't really know me thought such unsavory things about my personality? Could it be that she could see something in me that I didn't know was there? No, no. Of course not. I was being ridiculous. But it still hurt.
But I did start keeping a close eye on myself. Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but that's what I did. Time passed, and my feeling were... well, to put it gently, unrequited. It wasn't sweet, but it could have been worse. He ended relationships, he was single, he began new relationships and I cared all the while. Sometimes I'd wonder if I kept caring just to prove that it wasn't just a passing fancy or a need to have what someone else did. Nothing ever did become of him and me. But I wasted a lot of time watching myself love someone crushingly. What entertainment...
And all because of some idiocy she said.

Fairy tale Lies?

I was never the girl who believed her life would be a like the fairy tales. I didn't identify with the princesses in the stories. And why should I? My daddy didn't run a country; just our house.
All I ever wanted out of life was to be happy. Not that Cinderella happy that just happens because you're that good. For one, I just wasn't that good. I was OK, I guess, but not that movie princess good. I mean, who's that good, anyway? So I never hoped for the easy, no-work, happily ever after. Then I met HIM.
I'd met lots of guys. I expected no more from him than any of the ones I already knew. Really, I expected less. Three months into college had made me a pre-jaded young woman; wary of more than I'd like to admit. But I guess that just show how life really can be like a fairy tale: Things are never quite what they seem or what you expect.
With HIM, the proverbial shoe fit. HE made me feel like royalty. Like I was more than the wonderful I already considered myself to be. It was a heady feeling. To be more than you imagined means you can let down guards, break down walls, and give access. All of these I did. I could finally share my hopes, dreams, trepidations, and fears. I could laugh or cry freely without ever feeling judged. I could curl into a ball, rock myself out of pain and into sleep, and HE'd be beside me when I awoke, rubbing my back and whispering reassurances. Frightening how free I became, how open. With HIM I was literally without guile or malice. How could I be? To be accepted completely allows you to accept others completely. It was never fairy tale easy. If it were, it probably wouldn't be worth having. But it was glorious, memorable, and inexplicably...sharp.
Years after I was too old to believe in fairy tales I saw a spark of truth. I saw what my girlfriends saw when they were watching those movies that are, today, proclaimed to be liars.
Who knew? The little girl who never believed in fairy tales would grow into a woman who was living one.

Untitled

My writinG bearS your name, yet thoSe who read it Still wonder.
I lay awake at night, makinG conSCiouS effort not to think of you. I pray for Sleep and as it Sweeps to Claim me, I CrinGe at the prospect of dreaminG of you. But I will dream. I alwayS do.
MomentS where I miGht forGet, where I miGht walk away with love and pain behind me, do not Come.

I inhale and your SCent iS on the breeze. I CloSe my eyeS and your Smile iS behind my eyelidS. I Swallow and I Can taSte you. I feel you when there is nothinG beneath my handS but air, and your voiCe trickleS into everythinG my earS hear. My memorieS, my thouGhts of the future, my every moment iS themed around you. WaS there no me before there waS an uS?

There'S no one left with whom to talk. No one left who haSn't attempted to Carry my heart'S burden and found it too heavy, too Sharp, too Slippery, or juSt plain too much. It'S too much to Share but I Carry it alone. Every day, without pauSe.
I Can't be helped and I Can't help myself.

Something Stupid

So I was listening to old mix CDs (remember those?) and came across a song I barely remember burning.
It's called "Something Stupid" and performed by Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman.
Ironic how I didn't recognize it at first listen, but how apropos it was and still is.

"And though its just a line to you, for me its true/ It never seemed so right before...
I practice every day to find some clever lines to say/ To make the meaning come through/ But then I think I'll wait until the evening gets late/ And I'm alone with you.
And then I go and spoil it all, by saying something stupid
Like: I love you"

Not too long ago this was very much my story. I think back and realize that that inebriated but very clear 'I love you' was a turning point. I can't spend time going over all that's happened between the whispered words and now. But even now, the ripples are still going. Isn't that crazy? The theory of a butterfly effect. That everything has an effect on everything else and reverberates through time and across all boundaries.

So back to the topic at hand. I wouldn't classify myself as a 'gusher'. You know the gushers; those people that must remind you that they love you every time you speak. I don't have anything against them, mind you. Some of my greatest loves are gushers. But that just isn't me.
But I'm not afraid to say it, though. I only say it if I mean it and when I feel the words pressing against my throat to be released. The love is always there, but sometimes there's a moment or a thought that sends an overflow of love and I have to express it in a tangible way.
That's how it happened that one night. We were lying on the floor, in the dark, a little past buzzed but not quite drunk. I was staring out the window, watching the lightning, listening to the thunder, and wondering where the rain was. "What an odd storm", I thought to myself. And in that moment I couldn't help myself. I'll admit that I weighed the option of not saying it. But I realized it would be better to say it now and be able to pass it off as drunken affection, than if I held it in and it burst out at an awkward and uncomfortable juncture. Well, you know what I did next. But it's what he did next that shook me.
No.
It's what he didn't realize he did next that shook me. He stuttered. He wasn't speaking when it happened, but I felt it in the air, in his spirit, in his soul- like an electric crackle across my skin. An instantaneous pause, that I might have missed if it had been anyone but him. And, oh, how it hurt. I will never be able to deny that. That hiccup within himself made me wish I'd been born mute; anything to avoid having said something to make him skip a beat before responding.
I won't go into the response, either. I heard it, I remember it. It's emblazoned in my mind. But it's really not important. Not to me, anyway.
All this to say that after that night, nothing was the same. It was very subtle, but I was always a fan of subtlety and if he was doing it consciously, he did it in the best way he could. He claimed not to remember that bit of conversation that night and I claimed to believe him. Why shouldn't I? He has no reason to lie, does he?
But I'll never forget my something stupid: the one time my 'gift of gab' and my unwavering bravery in the face of the unknown answer turned against me. My butterfly effect. My something stupid. My unwanted 'I love you.'

CSI: (My brother's experience)

CSI: Penn State
CSI: PSU
CSI: Ariel Vincent

Whatever you want to call it. Okay, here we go. So I have friends and company coming up this weekend. I have to present a clean apartment right? Exactly. most of the apartment is empty, but that doesn't mean it's clean. But first things first - the bathroom. I've already known it, and specifically the shower, was in need of cleaning because it has been cleaned once, if that, since I cleaned it last. (You remember that chapter, right?) That was a long time ago. This just gives me that one last reason to do it right now. I can't have people thinking I'm a slob.

So I go in and gear up. Face mask on, gloves up, and I'm ready to go. (The first I went to put on two face masks by mistake, but those dollar store masks weren't having it. As a result, not one, but both of their elastics came apart. Oh well I moved on. I also should have had the forethought to take off my long sleeve shirt, or at least to wear one with sleeves that wouldn't unroll when rolled up and wrist deep in nasty. But alas, I didn't, so picture the rest of the story with sleeves that did just the opposite.)

I sprinkle on the powder and I squirt the gel, taking note of the fact that I must have used a lot during the last case because more than half of the bottle has already been used. I grab the sponge and start scrubbing. (After taking the time to remove the hair that I neglected to clean off after the first case.) I scrub it up making sure to get the sides, and not just the floor. The front left of the tub is of special concern because for some unknown reason it is visibly dirtier than the rest of the tub. In fact, it is the reason I first decided it was time to clean the tub again (those months ago.) At another part of the tub, right under the soap holder, there is a surprisingly white patch that I've noticed developing probably ever since I thought to clean the tub. I'm working from the side of the tub, and at this angle I can see something that looks interestingly enough like painter's caulk or something of the like that runs up the side of the tub from the white patch up to the soap tray. "They must have been working in here. Maybe they used something that peeled some of the paint on the tub floor. That would explain the white patch at the bottom of the strip." Mystery solved.

Hardly. After working up a good gray soap/gunk coat over the entire tub, I decide it's time to rinse. Initial sponge swipes at caulk looking substance affords me nothing, and intense scrubbing around the white patch only increase the white patches size. I spend about ten minutes removing hair and an unknown slimy gunk from the drain and the strainer like fixture. (I felt like throwing up when my fingers encountered the first few pieces of hair, even through the gloves. Ugh! I know it's not mine, and that's just nasty. But if I can dissect a frog, a sheep's eye, and a cat after skinning said cat, I should be able to remove some hair and something that is beginning to remind me more and more of fascia from the cat skinning from a drain right? So I man up and move on.) I even add some powder to the slime to make it more of a sludge which greatly helps the removal process. Not wanting to remove a layer of paint from the floor of the tub, I choose to move on with my rinse without agitating the white patch any further. I turn on the overhead shower spray and aim it to the back of the tub.

The front of the tub, with swipes of the sponge and the onslaught of flowing water quickly clears up to reveal a cleaner whiter surface. The back right of the tub seems upset with my seeming neglect and looks upon me with a now more evidently dirty (due to contrast) face. I turn off the water and liberally reapply powder and gel to the back corner. I scrub and scrub the back corner from the top of the back-o-tub slope all the way down to the aforementioned white patch located about mid tub on the right side. Not wanting to have to apply product a third time, I make sure to get the far side of the tub along this corner as well. But when I arrive at the caulk like strip this time, I find it breaks away easily under the force of the wipe.

(*?*) What the biscuit? (*?*) I look at the situation again. Let me give you all the clues I had so you have a chance to figure it out as I did. 1 - This past semester I've used bar soap the entire time, while my roommate uses body wash. 2 - Despite being the only one actually using the bar soap, my bar soap disappears surprisingly fast. 3 - I leave my bar of soap in the shower. (Rather than maybe taking it back to my room after every shower and bringing it back every shower.) 4 - The tub truly has not been cleaned in a long time. Take a second and guess at it before going on to read the conclusion.







[^!^] Ho-Ly-Shaboles! [^!^] So what's going on? Well that strip I described as a caulk like substance is actually hardened soap. That's why I was able to wipe it away with ease after the initial rinse wet it. Because my soap sits in the holder even when I'm not using it, it is exposed to the shower's spray when either my roommate or I shower. As a result, my soap grows smaller and smaller everyday due to both my use and my roommates showering. Some liquefies and flows as soapy water from the holder down the side of the tub. When the water is cut off, the portion of soapy water that has not reached the tub floor to be washed away by the last bits of water running to the front of the tub, slowly harden back into a soap residue. Shower after shower have led this residue to grow into a full blown strip of soap along the side of the tub. That's all! Well, kind of, see there one last thing - the white patch. Previously thought to be the doing of phantom bathroom workers, the true origins quickly became apparent. The white patch as I stated before lies at the bottom of what is now known to be the soap strip. It's origins have much to do with it's placement. The soap that daily traveled the strips path and managed to reach the bottom of the tub provided concentrated protection to a small area from what I like to call "Body Wash Off". When the water was turned off, the last of the bottom reaching soap was indeed washed away with the last of the water. At the same time, the cutting off of water signaled the end of the shower and a break in dumping of BWO into the shower floor environment. What this all says is probably quite clear by now. That white patch that had been "developing" for so long, hadn't been doing a thing and there was no removing of a top layer of paint. Well not "paint" per se. The tub floor was certainly coated with something that changed its color. But the change in contrast wasn't due to the white patch. It was just staying the same while everything else around it went bad. The white patch was the color everything was supposed to be.

It's like a story of how the protection of God can keep you clean even while the world around you gets dirtier and dirtier. The outsider might think there is something wrong with you because you are different, but the truth is quite the opposite - there was something wrong with everyone else!


Feel free to show this to everyone else.

My first thoughts: DUDE!...EWWWwww...Cool how you I figured that out though.

Escape!

Thank God for vacations. Seriously.
I just took my first real vacation. Literally, it was one of the best things I've ever done.
Yes, the location was fantastic. Yes, the company was wonderful. Yes, it was at the most appropriate and necessary time.
Teaching is a joy to me. It really is. Aside from all the bureaucratic crap, I love my students and the knowledge that they learn from me and look forward to learning from me. I understand why everyone promised it would be a rewarding career. But it's taxing work. Especially considering the kind of students I work with. But I still love them. Really, I do.
Still, I was in utter need of the vacation. I took the precious week of Christmas break and traipsed off to the Bahamas with one of my best friends and some mutual friends. I met new people, experienced new things, and literally sat down to do nothing. I sat, stared into the sky, basked in the tropical sun, and thought about absolutely nothing. Nothing. I pause to think about how wonderful an experience it was.
If you haven't taken a vacation or don't feel like it's for you: take one! Save the money and splurge or go do something inexpensive. Whichever you choose, take the time for yourself. If it's only for a few hours, go where you don't have to respond to any demands aside from your own.
I promise it will be entirely worth it!

The End of a Story

And so it ends.
No more tears left to cry. No more words left to say.
There's just no more.
Now that there's just you and me. Now that there's no us. I have nothing left.
No use for the sweet memories I've stock piled. No place to store the notes, cards, and other tangibles. No one with whom to share secret glances and inside jokes. No warm body to cuddle into. No irritations to soothe and fights to make up. No one to cook for. No one to wash dishes with. No one to fold laundry with. No one pounce on, to complain about, to praise, or to give me butterflies.
I have nowhere to put the love that wasn't ready to be over. Nothing to do with the plans and visions of the future.
And so it ends.